Oh, my!
One of the rocks, pilings, foundations, anchors, bases, one of the seeds from which culture sprang, a sine qua non of white boys during their formative years and you were too young for the experience??!!
I can't imagine growing up with that hole in one's soul. I'm sorry, such a tragedy. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
It must be agony living with such a lack, trying to develop without the necessary ingredients, trying to function without the base from which to operate.
So near, and yet so far. Life is cruel, and I'm sorry. "Oh, oh, pretty woman!"