OZONE CREATED BY ELECTRIC CARS NOW KILLING MILLIONS

CALIFORNIA WHITE MINORITIES TRYING TO HAVE ENGLISH RECOGNIZED AS CALIFORNIA'S THIRD LANGUAGE

SPOTTED OWL PLAGUE THREATENS NORTHWESTERN UNITED STATES CROPS AND LIVESTOCK

BABY CONCEIVED NATURALLY . . . SCIENTISTS STUMPED

LAST REMAINING FUNDAMENTALIST MUSLIM DIES IN "NEW TEXAS" AMERICAN TERRITORY OF THE MIDDLE EAST (FORMERLY KNOWN AS IRAN, AFGHANISTAN, SYRIA, AND LEBANON) IRAQ STILL CLOSED OFF AS PHYSICISTS ESTIMATE TEN MORE YEARS BEFORE RADIOACTIVITY DECREASES TO SAFE LEVELS

CASTRO FINALLY DIES AT AGE 112. CUBAN CIGARS CAN NOW BE IMPORTED LEGALLY, BUT PRESIDENT CHELSEA CLINTON HAS BANNED ALL SMOKING

BUSH DAUGHTERS TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2036

FUSION POWER ONLY 30 YEARS AWAY

POSTAL SERVICE RAISES PRICE OF FIRST CLASS STAMP TO $17.89! REDUCES MAIL DELIVERY TO WEDNESDAYONLY

35 YEAR STUDY SHOWS DIET AND EXERCISE IS THE KEY TO WEIGHT LOSS

MASSACHUSETTS EXECUTES LAST REMAINING CONSERVATIVE

SUPREME COURT RULES PUNISHMENT OF CRIMINALS VIOLATES THEIR CIVIL RIGHTS

UPCOMING NFL DRAFT LIKELY TO FOCUS ON USE OF DNA MUTANTS

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES PERFECTED NEWEST VERSION OF WINDOWS TO CRASH BEFORE INSTALLATION IS COMPLETE

IRS SETS LOWEST TAX RATE AT 75%

CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS A FELONY AS IT OFFENDS TOO MANY PEOPLE

MANNED MARS MISSION ONLY 30 YEARS OFF