Some items from my email inbox today:

Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.....

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside
grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his
neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each
Friday of Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting
them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went
over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join
all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to
Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and
said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now
you are Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest
Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of
Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was
setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of
steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe
their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard
to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The
group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill
with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over
his steak on the grill, saying,

"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a
fish."

What did the blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?

A: Oh look! Donut Seeds!