Escalating Violence Threatens Zombie-Teenager Peace Process

This just in from Iowahawk (aka David Burge)--a Transterrestrial exclusive (so far). This is so tasteless, it's delicious.
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Secluded Lake, CA - Saying that "the very survival of prom is at stake," Secluded Lake High School junior class president Chad Blackthorne vowed a clampdown on local Zombie militant factions that have claimed nearly one third of the student body in recent suicide forays on area lakeside cabins.

The international press and diplomatic community were quick to condemn Blackthorne’s new hardline anti-Zombie position, warning that armed reprisals risked long-term peace prospects in the heavily-wooded region.

“Blackthorne’s continued bellicosity will only conclude in more deaths, re-deaths and re-re-deaths,” said an editorial in London’s Guardian Thursday. “If the weekend dismemberment of twelve scantily-clad SLHS cheerleaders proves anything, it is the need for a permanent Zombie homeland.”

Warning that a retaliatory strike "will only heighten regional tensions," an emergency international diplomatic task force urged local attractive teenagers to adhere to their landmark 1999 peace agreement with area flesh-eating armies of the undead.

"We ask that all parties return to the negotiating table," said United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan. "Only through meaningful dialog will we find a political settlement that balances the teenagers' interest in security with the Zombies' interest in self-determination, and delicious fresh teenager brains."

Despite the growing chorus of criticism and calls for restraint, it appears that hardliners in the student assembly were in firm control. Late this afternoon a heavily-armed phalanx of SLHS pep squad members surrounded the mausoleum headquarters of Zombie Authority chairman Nghh-Ghungh Hngghh.

DECOMPOSING A BITTER HISTORY

The latest outbreak of bloodshed and limbshed marked a new low point in the deteriorating relations between local attractive teenagers and the impoverished Zombie community who live in the muddy west bank of Secluded Lake.

According to Everett Kelly of the University of California’s Institute of Zombie Studies, the factional tensions in this sleepy California hamlet go back nearly fifty years.
© 2002 David Burge

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The full article is here.

-p