<House sends Stewart probe to Justice Dept.

“Martha Stewart has repeatedly refused to testify in front of Congress as it investigates whether or not she traded on insider information. Rep. Tauzin says findings put domestic diva’s account in question.”

Martha, when called before the House on a minor matter such as this, it is usually best to take along a soft paper towel, instead of the more expensive tissue. Just say you heard something, you are not sure from where, and sold the stock. If it was wrong, you're sorry. You’ll pay the fine, do the time, whatever it takes to make it up to the entire g-dd—ned world!

I'd suggest using waterproof mascara before House hearings, as it's sometimes beneficial to shed tears and you want to look good in the process.

Now, dry your eyes with the towel, making sure the cute little ducks embossed on it hit the cameras. Shows you're thrifty, can't afford a big fine.

It is usually considered prudent in most households to pay a small fine instead of setting yourself up for a BIG FINE, CRIMINAL CHARGES AND LOSING A BILLION DOLLARS! A small, inexpensive calculator can sometimes save many, many hours of expensive time with an attorney.

Maybe there is such a thing as “karma”. She doesn’t seem to be the most pleasant person to be around unless you’re wealthy.

Arf (c. Bowser Unimedia Productions, LLC, LLP, Inc. Proud beyond belief to come to you from a PO box in the Cayman Islands, just like the big kids. I wouldn't have thought the headquarters of a multinational corporation would fit in a 3 inch by 5 inch by 12 inch PO box!)