HEADLINES:

Martha Stewart has been arrested by the FBI
for tampering with Sammy Sosa's balls [I mean bats!].
She is alleged to have hidden out in the North Carolina
mountains, interior-decorating the caves in her spare time
for the past five years, while drilling holes in you-know-who's
MLB bats and corking him [I mean them] as full time work.

Sammy Sosa denied every using corked bats, claiming
the UN Inspection Teams under Hans Blix found no evidence
that his bats were weapons of mass-destruction...but he did cork
a few unruly fans with them.

Meanwhile, North Korea is extracting weapon's-grade
baseball-bat lumber from ash trees.
The International Atomic Energy Commission is looking into it.

In the meantime, Hillary Clinton's celebrated the 50th anniversary
of her ascent up Mt. Everest by writing a book claiming that
90-percent of the people in Arkansas are related to her.
Talk about inbreeding.
She also claims that Bill Clinton is still President of the United
States and landed on the deck of an aircraft-carrier looking
for hot babes in uniform,...and wanting to know if they could
become interns.
But she did say Buddy the dog has been signed up by
Hollywood agents to star in the forthcoming movie: Jackass 2.

And it is reported by Vice-President Dick Cheney that the two
Mars Rovers being sent to Mars this year are searching for
Saddam Hussein.
And that's the way it is! Not Walter Cronkite!

Jake