CNN Washington Bureau
Wednesday, July 16, 2003

In a stunning move NASA laid off more than 20,000 of its employees Wednesday, announcing a major restructuring, and change in focus. Sean O'Keefe, who was appointed by the President as the 10th Administrator of NASA in December of 2001, also stunned the gathered crowd by announcing that all current missions, including Hubble, Cassini, and the mars rovers were to be immediately terminated, and that all planned future missions were cancelled. Since its inception in 1958, NASA has achieved many great scientific and technological feats. The announcement stunned and saddened many researchers and space enthusiasts.

In a hastily convened press conference, O’Keefe said “For years NASA has squandered billions of dollars in the fruitless exploration of the universe, sending men and machines to learn the secrets of distant planets, planets that we will never be able to live on… The time has come to face facts and stop this madness- there is only one thing NASA can in good conscience devote itself to… LOOKING FOR POSSIBLE IMPACTORS!”

When asked for the reason for this stunning change in policy O’Keefe explained “I was in my office when a man without a security badge burst into my office… at first I thought he was a madman and started to call security, there was something about his eloquence, his exquisite mastery of profanity, the sweet smell of gin on his breath, that made me listen to what he had to say… and I HAD to agree with his reasoned stance- that earth’s only hope is to look for impactors, and that should be NASA’s sole focus. Now if You will excuse me I have to de-orbit the ISS, deputy administrator Frederick D. Gregory will go over some of the technical details.”

A visibly shaken Gregory assumed the podium, “Ladies, gentlemen, and members of the press; let me first inform you that this will be my final day in this position, I assure you that I have full confidence in my esteemed successor, the honorable E. P. Grondine. That said, let me outline just a few of the new programs we plan to institute here at NASA. First we will redirect our entire budget towards a crash program to place hundreds of telescopes on the lunar farside- this array will be known as the “Alex R. Blackwell is a Poo-Poo Head” array. Second, the state formerly known as Nebraska will be covered with segmented mirrors in order to become the largest telescope in the world- Nebraska shall henceforth be known as the “Grondine Huge Optical Telescope Array for Impactor Reduction” (Grondine HOTAIR). This will require a lot of glass, we aren’t sure how much, since we had to fire all of our engineers to fund it, but our best estimate is “oodles”.”

Dr. Gregory then, appeared unable to go on and left the podium sobbing.

The SMN (Society of Mars Nuts) could not be reached for comment at time of press.