Things You Have to Believe to Be Republican

o Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
for your recovery.

o The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

o Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but
crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of
illness.

o "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

o A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
without regulation

o Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton

o The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

o Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

o If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

o A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

o HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.

o Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

o Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

o Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him
and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

o A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which
thousands die is solid defense policy.

o Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the
Internet.

o The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

o You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a
right to adopt.

o What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

o Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade
with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.