In a stinging retort to criticisms levied by the Swift Boat Veterans, who claim that John Kerry’s heroic Vietnam record is fabricated, the Massachusetts-based Swift Yacht Veterans will unveil a commercial in which they maintain that Kerry is a “jolly good fellow” and a “dapper gentleman indeed.”

“I had the pleasure of making Master Kerry’s acquaintance on many a jovial occasion,” claims Beauregard Kendalson, “and I say with full confidence that Kerry cares about the little people, even Negroes.”

“In the summer of ’72 John and I took the yacht to Lisbon,” says Jacob Allen Reimschneider in between sips of cognac, “we were alone … at sea … for three months … and there was … surprisingly little … homosexual activity. That bespeaks … determination and leadership to me.”

Another Swift Yacht Veteran, William Holmes III, claims, in what appears to be an affected British accent, that John Kerry was “there for him” during a troubled time in his life. “John kept me from killing myself—not literally, of course,” says Mr. Holmes III, guffawing at his own ‘joke’, “my Rolls was in the shop, Lovie had slipped into one of her moods, I had lost a few million in the market, and they were repainting my summer home—I had nowhere to go to wind down. John was like, ‘that’s it, were going to the Riviera.’ I tried to argue, but he was like, ‘no ifs or buts, we’re going William.’ And we went for three weeks. I don’t know what would have happened if John hadn’t been so courageous. I owe him my life.”