Depression, Drugs and Kids

The pharmaceutical industry has got a sweetheart deal going. I have some suggestions (I'm hoping to be hired as a consultant for new drug research) here are some clearly unaddressed children's problems that are begging for drug solutions:

AGE 4 WEEKS: My baby's poop smells foul. Surely there must be a drug to make it smell sweeter.

AGE 8 MONTHS: The neighbor kids are already potty trained at 8 months! mine are behind the curve. There's got to be a drug available to stop them from crying when I force them on the trainer potty.

AGE TWO: I don't want to spend the time to teach my child new words and speak. Is it possible there is a drug for that?

AGE FOUR: The da-n day-care center charges too much! There must be a drug to keep children catatonic for 8 hours while we go to work.

AGE FIVE: Johnny (or Susy) wets his (her) bed - I need a drug for Johnny/Susy and another one for myself to deal with it.

AGE SIX: Johnny's disruptive in class. His teacher said that he alone is causing her to increase her daily dosage of uppers and can't take it anymore. She suggests ritalin. What have you got to give him that wont make him lose his appetite and stare into the distance?

AGE FIFTEEN: My child is really messed up and depressed. I havent a clue why. Is there a drug for that?

The counter-culture has decidedly and firmly moved into the establishment.

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