A Christmas Carol as written by others:

Terry McAuliffe: The Ghost of Christmas Past shows Scrooge a presidential campaign that was perfectly executed, with no mistakes whatsoever, at all. The Ghost of Christmas Past shows Bush beating Scrooge because HE'S A FILTHY, FILTHY LIAR, AND HOW CAN ANYONE BELIEVE HIS LIES, AND, ALSO, VOTE FRAUD! We don't actually see what The Ghost of Christmas Future shows Scrooge, but Scrooge assures anyone who cares to listen that the future entails a Scrooge victory in 2008 because THE AMERICAN PEOPLE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT CONSERVATIVE LIES. Scrooge spends Christmas hitting the lecture circuit and seeking consulting work, with strangely limited success.

John Edwards: Tiny Tim sues his parents for wrongful life, and his doctors for wrongful death. His crusading attorney makes a small fortune when the doctors settle out-of-court, even though they know perfectly well that Mrs. Cratchit's C-section didn't cause Tiny Tim's birth defects. Tiny Tim's cut of the settlement allows him to go to Oxford. For a week.

Jessica Simpson: Three ghosts haunt Ebeneezer Scrooge. They both teach him a valuable lesson about life.

Ayn Rand: The ruggedly handsome and weirdly articulate Ebeneezer Scrooge is a successful executive held back by the corrupt morality of a society that hates success and fails to understand the value of selfishness. So Scrooge explains that value in a 272-page soliloquy. Deep down, Scrooge's enemies know that he is right, but they resent him out of a sense of their own inferiority. Several hot sex scenes and unlikely monologues later, Scrooge triumphs over all adversity -- except a really mean review by Whittaker Chambers. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim croaks. Socialized medicine is to blame.

The Libertarian Party: It's pretty much the same as the Ayn Rand version, but about halfway through the story, we learn that Scrooge is an alcoholic wife-swapping embezzling weirdo who's wanted for back child support payments in several states. Even readers sympathetic to the Libertarian story throw up their hands in disgust and grudgingly seek out the Republican version.

Richard Dawkins: Ghosts don't exist. Scrooge does whatever he wants. Tiny Tim dies. Later, Scrooge dies. No one cares. The Christmas Carol meme lives on indefinitely.

Peter Singer: Same as Richard Dawkins, except that, seeing no reason to do otherwise, Scrooge eats Tiny Tim for Christmas dinner.

George Lucas: It's the same story we know and love, but Jacob "Jar Jar" Marley is a real irritant in the prequel, conveniently named Episode One: The Phantom Menace. Worse, The Ghost of Christmas Past sequence is subtly altered so it appears that Scrooge tried to haunt her first.

Tom Wolfe: We meet Ebeneezer Scrooge over 300 pages of incisive descriptions of life in 19th century London, complete with overwrought now-Now!-NOW! New Journalism affectations. The tale proceeds swimmingly until halfway through the Ghost of Christmas Future sequence, at which point the story just sort of ends.