Catholic Church Being Sued For Discrimination

Vatican City (AP)- Catholic clergy reacted in shock at the news of a multi- hundred-billion dollar class-action lawsuit filed against the church alleging discriminatory hiring practices. The suit filed by a large and diverse group of plaintiffs alleges that the church's hiring practices routinely discriminate against applicants on the basis of gender and religious orientation.

The group responsible for the suit calling itself 'Don't Exclude US', or DEUS, alleges that the Catholic Church's hiring practices have consistently denied access to a large number of qualified persons over the past two millennia. Group leader, Rabbi Saul Rabinowitz, summarized the grievances of the plaintiffs; "For nearly two thousand years the Catholic Church has exercised discrimination in its hiring practices- women are denied positions as priests, those of other faiths are excluded from attending seminaries, and when it comes to the currently open position of Pope, well, they may as well have a sign out saying 'Jews need not apply'!"

News of the lawsuit has led some Cardinals to break the silence of the conclave being held to review resumes of those applying for the position of Pope. Cardinal Bernard Law of the Boston Diocese responded angrily to the accusations; "The Catholic Church has a long history of tolerance of those damned to burn in hell for their heretical beliefs! If the pagan heathens had a problem with our policies they could have brought it up any time in in the past two thousand years... ok maybe not during the Inquisition, but that was crazy time for everyone. The point is that the Catholic Church believes that the priests need to share the same faith as their flock. Our priests view their flock as their children, and you know how our priests love their children! Oh, Ummm, wait..."
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