Pellets landed on Whittington's face, neck and chest after Cheney's gun discharged. The FBI is waging an intensive investigation into exactly how the gun discharged, who was in control of it, and how it happened to be pointed in that direction. Due to the number of witnesses the investigation is expected to last until late January, 2009.

Cheney didn't actually "shoot" Whittington. There was no element of deliberateness which is necessary if one is going to "shoot" someone.

A Texas lawyer is charged with trespassing onto a private ranch where Cheney was slaughtering pheasants to feed the troops in Iraq, Afghanistan and a few for those garrisoned in Germany. After gaining entrance to the ranch, the lawyer inexplicably ran in front of Cheney's gun. The FBI is investigating, suspect the lawyer to be a member of PETA and was protecting a pheasant with his face and body.

Any report of this incident was delayed 24 hours to see if Whittington was going to die, or if he would claim memory of the incident. Whittington, contrary to popular reports, is receiving first aid and forced feeding at Guantanamo where it is warmer and more conducive to his healing.

A known terrorist, Whittington was lured onto the farm where Cheney attempted to arrest him. When subdued he had a shotgun near him, and Casio watch and olive drab clothing. Three strikes. Cheney will receive the countries highest award for civilian bravery in the face of enemy action in a special ceremony at the White House. He is also scheduled to receive a plaque from the DoD in a ceremony with Rumsfeld, where he will receive pellets pried out of Whittington, gold-plated, and sewn into a US flag, one in each Red State. The remainder were left in Whittington as a reminder to not mess with Cheney.

McClellan has emphatically denied there was a second shot fired at Whittington. "Hell," he said, "we're trying to deny the first one. Those damned automatic shotguns, you know, it was only one trigger pull. Please report the truth."

Developing: Apparently breathless, hair dripping water, Whittington has confessed to financing al-Qaeda, planning attacks on the Empire State Building, Sears Tower, White House, Pentagon, Library of Congress, and 6 different day care centers filled with innocent little kids, of planning to help Saddam escape, and sending a Valentine to Osama. He also thanked Cheney for shooting him, saying "I deserved it, oh, God, I deserved it, please stop washing my face!" More to come here, no doubt.

Arf