"Bush Slams Democrats Over Iraq Timetable."

In an almost unprecedented move with the nation at war, President George W. Bush has threatened to end, cut off, cease all aid to the brave men and women fighting for freedom and democracy in the Middle East. All pay, allowances, medical supplies, armament, ammunition, everything needed would be eliminated, leaving those people at the complete mercy of TERRORISTS!

Interviewed in Baghdad, PFC A. Alonzo Stagg said, "Hell, without bullets the rats will overrun this place. It will become a living hell, boring and noisy, especially at night. No, I mean rats - y'know, long tails, furry. And my birfday is coming - how will I celebrate that?"

Capt. T. Boone Ficken voiced his concern. "Will I have to pay my own way back home?"

And General "Fightin' Fred" Bootstrap said, "If they think I'm gonna buy the gas for that Gulfstream, they've got another think coming!"

HOWEVER, putting the best face on this move, Bush hailed the attitude of "Keelhaul" Carl Nitwitz, who said, "I've got ma men knittin' gillnets, an we're gonna troll real slow 'round the area. A diet of fish is good for the heart."

The total destruction of morale by the Commander in Chief comes as no surprise to some observers. As Ambassador-at-large Richard Halliburton said, "We've secured the most important areas, and our presence in most areas of the country is simply a luxury the American public doesn't want any more. It's best for the troops if we hunker down a bit in the populated areas. I'd think they'd be happy. No more convoys to unload, that sort of thing."

On the home front, Richard Cheney said that the leaner the fighting man is, the meaner he is. "It is in the best interests of our fighting personnel that they get back to basics - one bullet, one raghead. As we say in Texas, or Wyoming, it turns them into a fighting force to be reckoned with. Fiscally responsible is what it is. You want to see someone drive fast, take away the armor."

President Bush said that what with the increasing progressive tax cuts for the rich, there just isn't enough revenue to support wars and oil subsidies, to fund missile defence and school lunch programs. "Anyone can see that practically responsive folks have to make the hard decisions, have to have important things on their minds, need to set down and decide. And I'm the decider of the hard decisions, and that's what I'm gonna do because the people of America want a leader who will do those things."

He added, "I'm sending a note to al-Sadr and the al-Qaeda and the rest of the boys over there to stop bringin' 'em on. That should relieve some of the demand for ammunition, rations, gas, all that stuff. The American fighting forces are the best in the world, and they will find a way."

Arf