Even though "Howard K. Stern says if Birkhead is father he will relinquish custody", there will be difficulties. All of the people who love this child, including the five live folks who say they could be the father, will want visitation, to meet with, support and encourage the child.

And the child deserves this. Such attention and affection can only be for the good.

But how to manage it, with all the conflicting demands, the scheduling, establishing ground rules, determining how to explain each different "faux" father, that sort of thing?

I will offer to take the child into a guardianship, a custody "in loco parentis", and see that each "daddy" and surrogate daddy and wannabe daddy and "could have been the father if only it had been only one hour or one day earlier, or later" daddy has his fair amount of quality time with the child. (In the presence of an armed matron, by the way. Wouldn't trust these guys alone with a Ma Kettle blow-up doll. With an aged sheep. Pot roast.)

Of course the child would have to have the accoutrements of life to which she has become accustomed. A huge beach-front house, 24/7 hour nannies, lots of nannies, maids, gardeners, chauffeurs, cooks and so on. Private jets. A burden, but only right. No reason for the kid to be deprived, especially with so many famous fathers.

We can put a revolving "daddy-door" to the nursery, leading to a moving walkway which has a precisely and equitably timed route through the area, leading them back outside after a suitable visit.

A sacrifice for me? Of course. But how many people get to help so many others at one time. Including themselves.

I'm ready to move to the Bahamas as soon as I get my water wings fitted. I wonder if I should contact that joke of a judge in Florida, or bribe someone. Or both.

Arf