But I did manage to find this in my email (from my sister):

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked his monsignor how he had done.

Smiling with the lad, the elder priest replied, "When I’m worried about getting nervous at the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to my water glass. That way, should I start to get nervous, I can take a sip."

The following Sunday, the young priest took his monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, though, he got nervous. He reached for the vodka and took a quick drink -- and proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after services, he found the following note tacked to the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yay, God!
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Dan