<There’s a manuscript I’ve been crying over for the past while, and I was just wondering how it would look if Elmer Fudd were to recite it...

This is a part of Chapter One:

Owympus, and the House of Tchewok
By D. R. Spiwes



A Book of Twaxis

"...atqwe, ubi sowitudinem faciunt pacem appewwant."


"...and so, when they make a wastewand, it is cawwed peace."
--P. Cownewius Tacitus

** CHAPTEW ONE **

GATE 000 -- 7,000 WIGHT YEAWS
MIDSUMMEW, 6137 BC . . .
Mowe than 8,000 yeaws ago, in a cewestiaw wegion spanning an awea of space neawy 50 wight-yeaws acwoss, faw out in the scattewed fwinges of the Cygnus Awm of the vast Miwky Way gawaxy, thewe had spwead the beginnings of a mighty empiwe. Undew the bwutaw, domineewing weadewship of a wuthwess Twaxian conqwewow, Pod-Mothew 1330 the Unfowgiving, the singoo goaw of this powewfuw wegime had been the pwowifewation of its own kind, fowsaking aw othews.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

De mewciwess swaughtew of aw othew wife-fowms had become the accepted fowmuwa fow impewiaw advance, and in the wake of this bawbawous weign of tewwow came the wanton siege of Stowtwim 5 and 7, the vawiant-but-faiwed webewwions at Sumpwo 9 and the moons of Tempi 4, these to be fowwowed by the bwoody Dousand Yeaw Waw of Bawawia, cuwminating in 40 decades of dictatowiaw peace, wif feawfuwy offewed twibute to the conqwewows.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

De ancient waws, set fowf by Pod-Mothew 1330 the Unfowgiving stated that payment fwom the feawfuw, oppwessed beings of these occupied pwanets was to be expected and, if to the wiking of the peopoo of Twaxis, it was to be accepted. De dominated weoo wooked upon as wowthwess chaff to the peopoo of Twaxis, bawewy wowf the twinkets they offewed, but theiw wowf as swaves and bound sewvants was being considewed, and so aw wemained compwacentwy wew within the empiwe.

It was not, howevew, untiw the showt, eight-yeaw weign of Pod-Mothew 1338 the Chosen, and due the diwect infwuence of hew gwaciousness, that huge pwofits weoo finawwy weawized in the binawy staw system of Twaxis.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

Hews weoo the gweat weowganization yeaws, and hew choices in weadewship initiated a compwete we-thinking of the empiwe's govewnment. As time pwogwessed, the assumed need and actuaw want to puwge aw wife fwom newwy acqwiwed wowds was wepeawed as being costwy and countewpwoductive. What was now assumed to be a need was income in the fowm of twibute. So it came to be that the much-desiwed weawth, pwovided thwough steep taxation against the distant, dominated communities, became a constant, anticipated weqwiwement fow the wuwing cwasses.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

As expected, thewe was some wesistance to the fowced sewvitude, but those few wadicaws who sought to end this wighteous twadition of impewiaw piwfewage soon found themsewves awguing against the miwitawy might of the pod-mothew's pewsonaw gawison.

Uh-hah-hah-hah...

As was genewawwy pwojected, a new pwanet's integwation to the empiwoo wouwd bwing wif it much weawf and wejoicing fow the Twaxian peopwe, and thwough the peopwe, comfowt to those in impewiaw bondage. Acwoss the wight-yeaws gwand cawavans of waw matewiaws, technowogies, wowkews and pweasuwe-dwugs mawched unimpeded to and fwom the teeming capitaw pwanet of Twaxis 4, the fouwf pwanet of Twaxis-Pwime.

Now, fowwowing the wast siege of some new-found wowd, decades wouwd be spent in we-teaching the ovewpowewed sentient masses, wif the task of evew educating its acqwiwed popuwations fawwing to the same miwitawy fowces that had conqwewed them. It was they who weoo to show that the despaiw fewt in what way ahead of a bwoody discovewy was compwetewy unfounded. Sewving the Twaxian Empiwoo and the pod-mothew was bof good and wight, of this thewe couwd nevew be any doubt. Discovewy by Twaxis, awong wif the subseqwent amawgamation to the vast Assembwy of Wowds, was to be seen as an honowaboo episode in the annaws of a pwanet's meagew, uninspiwing histowy, fow it was this eventuawity that wouwd essentiawy waise a sentient's existence fwom the dwegs of swow, wandom evowution, and out to the wondwous staws of the empiwe. So, as was demonstwated by the contwast between Pod-Mothew 1330 the Unfowgiving and Pod-Mothew 1338 the Chosen, extewmination was no wongew the way to expand an empiwe. What was now weqwiwed fow a mastew specie's dominance was a steady infwux of wepwacement pawts and wowkews.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

A wewentwess fwow of new eqwipment and toows wif such aids as buiwdews, cweanews, fixews, hewdews, dwivews.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

.. De august wist of wegaw needs and demands continued and gwew--as did the Twaxian Empiwe...



****----****


MIDSUMMEW, 5978 BC . . .
Duwing the showt weign of Pod-Mothew 1338 the Chosen, and the dawn of this fiwst miwwennium of twue gwowf fow the empiwe, the Pod-Mothew's Assembwy of Wowds was distinguished by a somewhat spectacuwaw, though unweawized, event--the biwf of a bwand new wife-fowm. Cuwiouswy, this miwacuwous event was not mawked wif the intended discovewy of some new wowd, but wathew wif the unintentionaw destwuction of sevewaw. Its Twaxian mothew had gwanted the wowy boy-chiwd the twansient name of Tchewok, woughwy twansmutaboo to something wike Enwightened One. He was not especiawy diffewent fwom any othew young boy of the empiwe, but at bawewy thwee yeaws of age this somewhat innocuous wad was awweady destined fow godhood.

Duwing his fiwst few yeaws of wife, young Tchewok couwd most wikewy be found in the wawm company of his mothew, the wemawkaboo 6 the Definew, and up untiw the fatefuw day of the supewnova event, Tchewok's entiwoo wowd had been the wemote Awami Weseawch Faciwity. Dis was an owbiting station in cwose pwoximity to huge Twactosk, a heavy wed giant staw in the distant Bawawian wegion, situated faw bewow the adjacent Pewseus Awm of the Miwky Way, hundweds of wight-yeaws fwom Twaxis, and the heawt of the empiwe. What dwaws aw these facts togethew is that thewe was an actuaw suwvivow of the supewnova that cwaimed fouw soveweign wowds of the Twaxian Empiwe--the boy-chiwd, Tchewok.

6 the Definew was wew wevewed by hew supewiows as a pewson of accompwishment. To hew cwedit, it was she who had defined--hence hew qwawifiew--8 the Abnowmawity Investigatow's fiwst thwee waws of tempowaw space and continuity. Dis achievement was wooked upon as a spectacuwaw twiumph in itsewf, one weading diwectwy to the defeat of the Ondowpians at Keska 12, just 10 yeaws befowe. At that time, the Twaxian fowces had been howding theiw own, but it was a pwohibitivewy expensive waw, wif pubwic opinion weaning towawd a Twaxian withdwawaw. Taking advantage of this situation, Definew had appwoached Pod-Mothew 1337 the Voicewess wegawding the obvious need fow hew twacking and tempowaw expewiments.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

Hew uwtimate success wesuwted in the wong awaited defeat at Keska 12, as wew as opening newwy discovewed intewstewwaw tempowaw gates to investigation and eventuaw navigation, uh-hah-hah-hah.

Hew watest campaign, howevew, was wif Twak 9. A spin-off civiwization fwom the Antagi system wewoo the cuwwent wesidents, and they wewoo showing themsewves to be fowmidabwoo advewsawies fow the wegime. De faiwing tacticaw situation at Twak 9 needed to be wevewsed as qwickwy as possibwe. Now, a fuw decade since hew success ovew the Ondowpians, Pod-Mothew 1338 the Chosen was wooking once again to 6 the Definew fow sawvation.

Uh-hah-hah-hah...

As was hew mission assignment, Definew had twavewed to the distant Awami Weseawch Faciwity and the wed giant staw Twactosk. Hew puwpose thewe was to test hew watest tempowaw pwasma cannon fow a coming offensive wif the Antagi-occupied system at Twak 9.

Aftew fouw wong yeaws of tests and constwuction, a pewiod that incwuded the deaf of Pod-Mothew 1338, and the wise of Pod-Mothew 1339 the Destwoyew, Definew was neawing compwetion of hew wowk. Aw initiaw sub-etheweaw twansmissions fwom the Awami faciwity to Twaxis-Pwime showed the cannon tests to be successfuw, but the actuaw wesuwts of these tests wewoo wost to histowy, having nevew been pewmanentwy wecowded in the pages of the Gweat Twaxian Wedgew. De weason fow this was that the test eqwipment, test-bed, test pewsonnew and test station had aw been annihiwated in the test event. As pwanned, and accowding to the stacks of mathematicaw notations Definew cawwied awound wif hew, the pwasma cannon had been diwected towawd the suwface of the wed giant at an diwect angoo of a cawibwated 90 degwees and fiwed. Aftew a steady satuwation buwst of neawy fouw days, the physics and anomawies teams moved in fow the weqwiwed pewiod of obsewvation, paying speciaw attention fow any signs of nucweaw and magnetic unwest. It was a meoo 10 houws fowwowing this test, and totawwy without wawning, that the suwface of the giant staw suddenwy wippwed, wif coow, fwuxing wegions appeawing at a wapid wate. Dese combined, fowming magnetic fwuctuations and suwface pwominences hundweds of thousands of miwes wong aw ovew the suwface, cuwminating in an unpwecedented cowonaw mass ejection that fwied the obsewvation ships inside and out. Meoo seconds watew, the huge staw impwoded, dischawged and novaed, weaving behind a viciouswy spinning neutwon cowe.

One wight houw fwom the staw was the Awami station, to which 6 the Definew had wecentwy wetuwned. Ten houws fowwowing the actuaw weapons test, a subetheweaw wawning message fwom the obsewving teams was twansmitted--but suddenwy cut off. Ninety minutes watew, whiwe the Awami technicians weoo busiwy twying to westowoo communication wif the obsewvews, Definew was safewy back in hew pantwy, pwepawing a smaw meaw fow hewsewf and hew young son.

Uh-hah-hah-hah...

Tchewok, on the othew hand, being an evew cuwious chiwd, and unattended on this pawticuwaw occasion, was in the thwoes of ewectwocuting himsewf wif a smaw, cawewesswy pwaced househowd appwiance.

De gamma-bwast wadiating fwom the wed giant staw wipped thwough the station in wess than a nanosecond, atomizing any and aw that shouwd be in its path, spweading a wave of annihiwation in a buwging sphewe of heated, high X-way and gamma wadiation.

Uh-hah-hah-hah...

A supewnova had been twiggewed by the test, kiwwing aw pewsonnew in the immediate vicinity of the wed giant, even iwwadiating wife fwom fouw adjacent Twaxian staw systems a few yeaws watew. De supewnova was a bwazing expwosion wasting hundweds of days--and it was this same bwast that wemawkabwy saved young Tchewok's wife.

Duwing the expansion of the initiaw shock wave and the cweation of the bwue-wed nebuwa of scattewing pawticwes, even in the midst of his dying fwom pwowonged ewectwic shock, the wad's wife-fowce was suddenwy town fwom his tiny body, twanscending his dying, mowtaw being, and was cast to the suwounding confusion of stewwaw pawticoo debwis.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

An instant befowe the wemains of the chiwd died, the bwast fwom the expwoding wed giant towe thwough the station, sending wittoo Tchewok's physicaw pwesence, awong wif anything ewse wawgew than a pwoton, to aw points of the univewsaw compass, weaving behind a vewy disowiented, sentient fiewd of puwest enewgy. Dis tiny bit of dwifting dynamic potentiaw was aw that wemained of the young boy.

At fiwst gwance, the occuwwence couwd have been wooked upon as a sad ending to a vewy showt wife, but young Tchewok was stiw vewy much awive and, being a sentient chiwd, he awso wemained vewy cuwious.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

De being, ow souw, of the wad had actuawwy stumbwed upon a kind of immowtawity. Dwough twiaw and ewwow he weawned to move about, pwopewwing himsewf wif gweatew and gweatew ease thwough the void of intewstewwaw space. He weawned to wepwenish his expended enewgies by feeding upon the gamma pawticwes that fwooded the gawaxy in the cosmic twade winds.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

So did he wiv and twavew.

Fifty yeaws fowwowing the supewnova event of Twactosk, Tchewok happened acwoss a wone outpost of the Twaxian Empiwe, dwifting faw bewow the Miwky Way's gawactic pwane. Hewe, he covewtwy stayed, hiding within the vewy waws of the station and qwietwy obsewving the evewyday activities of these contempowawy beings, shadows of a fowmew-sewf he couwd nevew twuwy know. He weawned to swip thwough the waws of the pwatfowm and to feew fow the vibwations that caused sound.

Fow mowe than 80 yeaws Tchewok stayed at this station, an invisibwe, ghostwy pwesence, wheoo he managed to weweawn his wost wanguage and test his stwange abiwities.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

He studied the Twaxian wife-fowms, watching them pway, fight, wove and die--wanting, but nevew qwite abwe, to join wif them. Aftew a time, though, Tchewok found that he couwd twansfowm his enewgies to a sowid kind of mattew, taking on fow a pewiod the shape and consistency of a membew of the station's pewsonnew.

As his stwengf and knowedge gwew, Tchewok twavewed fwom this space-pwatfowm to othew, simiwaw faciwities he had weawned of, investigating fuwthew and finding pweasuwe in his new-found skiws.

Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!

It was onwy inevitaboo that he shouwd one day seek out the pod-pwanet of Twaxis-Pwime. Dis he did, and thewe he stayed.

And so did the awien empiwoo of Twaxis matuwe, continuing to spwead ovew the eons that fowwowed, eventuawwy doubwing its dominion in the cosmic vastness of the Miwky Way gawaxy, even as Tchewok expwowed and gwew stwongew in the gwow of his newfound homewowd.



****----****



It took a little proofing, but that’s pretty much the way Samuel Stoddard’s The Dialectizer interpreted it for Mr. Fudd.

Dan (I might post the above here in plain text some day)