TORONTO STAR

Nov. 26, 2002. 01:00 AM

Bush fails to meet moron criteria

The debate over whether George W. Bush is a moron continues to

sputter. Morons are outraged at being lumped in with the U.S.

president. Americans, meanwhile, are mildly amused that it has taken

Canadians so long to discover the obvious.

The controversy exploded last week when Francoise Ducros, an adviser

to Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, was overheard at a NATO meeting in

Prague saying, "What a moron," apparently in relation to Bush.

Morons say this is an outlandish slur. "We're nice people,"

explained one. "We don't threaten other countries or use the courts

to steal elections. George W. Bush may be a dangerous lunatic. But

he's no moron."

Chrétien seems to agree. "He's not a moron at all," the Prime

Minister told reporters on Thursday, referring to Bush.

Still, the opposition parties are not content. The Canadian Alliance

argues that if Bush discovers he is a moron, this could affect

Canada-U.S. relations.

Chrétien, however, says there is nothing to worry about. Bush, he

said, doesn't read Canadian newspapers

According to the International Dictionary of Medicine and Biology,

most morons are "educable and do not require institutionalization

but need some supervision in working at some simple job by which

they can become self-sustaining members of society."

Some have argued that this definition fits Bush to a tee. In most

matters, they note, he is carefully supervised by Vice-President

Dick Cheney, Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfield and Attorney-General

John Ashcroft.

Cheney and Rumsfield run Bush's wars while Ashworth stifles domestic

opposition. At home in the White House, first lady Laura Bush is

charged with watching over the president.

"Since the president's inauguration, he's only been left

unsupervised once - to watch a football game on television,"

recalled one expert. "And look what happened. He fell off the couch,

choked on a pretzel and hurt his head."

While the Canadian media have gone gaga over the Bush-is-moron

story, Americans seem to have taken it in their stride. "Once again,

Canadians have discovered the obvious," editorialized the Wall

Street Journal dismissively. "Duh, Canada" riposted the New York

Post.

In a lengthy analysis, the New York Times pointed out that Americans

have long made a practice of electing dead people to the Senate and

morons to the presidency.

"This kind of flexibility is what makes U.S. democracy so vital,"

the Times went on. "Why should the Senate be denied the wisdom of

those who have passed on? Why should the presidency be the preserve

of the mentally capable?"

Recent polls suggest that most Americans agree. A stunning 67 per

cent of respondents think that Bush is a moron compared with the

next largest category, 28 per cent, who believe him to be a space

alien.

Yet neither has affected his 82 per cent approval rating.

"He may be a moron," explained one respondent interviewed by

pollsters. "But he's our moron. He speaks our language."

Meanwhile, in Canadian journalistic circles, an ethical debate rages

over whether the original moron comment should have been printed at

all.

Ducros apparently made the crack in private conversation to one

journalist (who did not publicize it) but was overheard by another,

the National Post's Bob Fife, who did.

Chrétien says that Ducros was actually defending Bush.

"Fife overheard the words accurately," said one senior federal

source," but he didn't hear the punctuation.

"Francie didn't say `What a moron!' She said 'What? A moron?' and

then stormed out. She was reacting because the reporters were

referring to Bush as a moron and she couldn't bear the insult to

such a dear friend of Canada."

Still others say that Fife missed the possessive.

"We were all sitting around the briefing room waiting to find out if

Uzbekistan would be accepted as a member of the North Atlantic

Treaty Organization," said one scribe. "Francie was doing the

crossword in the International Herald Tribune and the clue for six

across was a four-letter word for moron beginning with B.

"English isn't Francie's first language, so she asked everyone,

What's a moron? Bob just missed the apostrophe s."

However, to some media experts, the actual words said don't matter.

For a journalist to report something he heard, they say, could

destroy the entire edifice of source-based journalism.

"If political aides think they'll be identified when they badmouth

their bosses' opponents anonymously, they'll stop doing it," said

one.

"Then what would happen? The media would have no stories."

Still others defended Fife's actions.

"The moron story was a windfall for our members," said an official

with the Canadian Association of Columnists.

"Bush as moron? It doesn't get any better. Every two-bit columnist

in the country is taking advantage of this baby. They'll all be able

to go home early."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Thomas Walkom's column appears on Tuesday. He can be reached at

twalkom@thestar.ca.