From the Infographic on The Onion's Oct 10th issue.

The New Star Trek Series

Last week, Enterprise made its debut on UPN. What can viewers expect from the latest Star Trek installment?

- Features shadowy, terroristic new enemy called the "Suliban" and other fanciful imaginings from the farthest realms of science fiction.

- Takes place 100 years before the original series, about a century before miniskirts and beehive hairdos came into style.

- UPN has already vowed to run the show for seven full seasons rather than just admit it's bad.

- Holodeck not yet invented, sparing viewers the sight of Scott Bakula in Sherlock Holmes costume.

- Restores white males to their rightful position in the captain's chair.

- Is totally unlike any previous Star Trek series because, uh, well, the guns sound kinda different.

- Poised to make Bakula sex symbol among females 18-45 pounds overweight.

- Producers promise "more of the same crap you love, but with baseball caps."