But back to September 11th. I'm pleased to hear that 70% of you are so piss-ignorant that you continue to think that has anything to do with Iraq. That's why polls keep indicating that Americans are so gosh-darned PSYCHED about how we are KICKING SUCH MAJOR ASS. Because – all those dead American teenage GIs notwithstanding – we're winning BIG over there! In fact, according to the geopolitical wet dreams of my blue ribbon caste of well-manicured, droning neoconservative Think Tank golfing partners, we are right on course in Iraq. And in a few years, once we've bombed the entire Middle East back three hundred years, we can rebuild that entire hunk of the Earth from scratch. First thing we'll do is expel all Semites and re-populate that gorgeous oil sponge of a non-continent with, I dunno, the peaceful, amiable Dutch!

Oh, and by the way, remember Afghanistan? That other dump we decimated and then walked away from a year and a half ago? Well, it seems there are nine weaseley Democratic candidates who have recently been traitorously impudent enough to point out what a failure that's been, too. So I want to take a moment to just mention it – so it seems like I'm actually doing something over there. Afghanistan. Afff-GHAN-isss-TAN. So remember, you heard it here.

Have I mentioned September 11th yet? Probably not. Did you know it's been just shy of two years since that terrible day which turned my Presidency around? And since then – thanks to me – there has not been a single instance of four planes being hijacked and flown into buildings. And so long as we keep noodling around in Iraq, that will continue to remain the case up until the very last moment before it happens again – at which point it will be Bill Clinton's fault!

Thank you, and good night.