1. Sleep on a cot in the garage.

2. Replace the garage door with a curtain.

3. Six hours after you go to sleep, have your wife or girlfriend whip open
the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong cot."

4. Renovate your bathroom. Hang a green plastic sheet down from the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Keep four inches of soapy cold water on the floor. Stop cleaning the toilet and pee everywhere but in the toilet itself. Leave two to three sheets of toilet paper. Or for best effect, remove it altogether. For a more realistic
deployed bathroom experience, stop using your bathroom and use a neighbor's. Choose a neighbor who lives at least a quarter mile away.

5. When you take showers, wear flip-flops and keep the lights off.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair
and dump dirt on your head.

7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it on "HIGH" for
that tactical generator smell.

8. Don't watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. Have your
family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

9. Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day for proper
noise level.

10. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

11. Once a week, blow compressed air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries the soot across and on to your neighbor's house. Laugh at him when he curses you.

12. Buy a trash compactor and only use it once a week. Store up garbage in
the other side of your bathtub.

13. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on a saltine cracker.

14. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your
food cabinets or refrigerator. Then serve some kind of meat in an
unidentifiable sauce poured over noodles. Do this for every meal.

15. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it
goes off, jump out of bed and get to the shower as fast as you can. Simulate there is no hot water by running out into your yard and breaking out the garden hose.

16. Once a month, take every major appliance completely apart and put it
back together again.

17. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for five or six
hours before drinking.

18. Invite at least 185 people you don't really like because of their
strange hygiene habits to come and visit for a couple of months. Exchange
clothes with them.

19. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip over the threshold or hit your head on the
sill every time you pass through one of them.

21. Keep a roll of toilet paper on your night stand and bring it to the
bathroom with you. And bring your gun and a flashlight.

22. Go to the bathroom when you just have to pass gas, "just in case." Every time.

23. Announce to your family that they have mail, have them report to you as you stand outside your open garage door after supper and then say, "Sorry, it's for the other Smith."

24. Wash only 15 items of laundry per week. Roll up the semi-wet clean
clothes in a ball. Place them in a cloth sack in the corner of the garage
where the cat pees. After a week, unroll them and without ironing or
removing the mildew, proudly wear them to professional meetings and family
gatherings. Pretend you don't know what you look or smell like.
Enthusiastically repeat the process for another week.

25. Go to the worst crime-infested place you can find, go heavily armed,
wearing a flak jacket and a Kevlar helmet. Set up shop in a tent in a vacant
lot. Announce to the residents that you are there to help them.

26. Eat a single M&M every Sunday and convince yourself it's for Malaria.

27. Demand each family member be limited to 10 minutes per week for a morale phone call. Enforce this with your teenage daughter.

28. Shoot a few bullet holes in the walls of your home for proper ambiance.

29. Sandbag the floor of your car to protect from mine blasts and
fragmentation.

30. While traveling down roads in your car, stop at each overpass and
culvert and inspect them for remotely detonated explosives before
proceeding.