Thank you for writing, my fellow American. Here's my answers to your good questions:

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

The Canadians would kick our butts. Did you see what that Carolyn Parrish broad did to my doll??

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what ! do you think would be a fair price for her?

I dunno, maybe you should ask Bill.

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense

You ain't married, are you, son?

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

Try changing your BBQ sauce first.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

Now the Sabbath, that's Sunday, right? Or is it Saturday? Whatever, either day, do the sumb**** yourself.

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I
don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there "degrees" of abomination! ?

Nope, they're all the same. Never could abide them raw oysters.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

No wiggle room, get the H*** out!

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.
How should they die?

I'll arrange for them to get into the Marines, send 'em to Eye-rack.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Sure, but make sure they're not PIGSKIN gloves! Ha ha ha.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev. 24:10-16)? Couldn! 't
we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)?

Nope, you go to the trouble, son. Like I always say, the town that throws together, grows together.

God Bless America!