WASHINGTON -(AP) In a move likely to re-ignite debate on the separation of church and state, NASA has announced that it will no longer take a position on the age of the universe. After numerous complaints from various religious groups, president Bush issued a presidential directive to all government agencies that no taxpayer funded organizations shall advocate positions that are in conflict with the bible. In a statement issued from the White House Thursday, the president said "This country was founded on two important principles; equality, religious freedom, and no taxation without repenting. Our country was founded by Christian folk, and is still a predenominalationally Christian nation. It is a betrayal of our founding principles to advocate facts that fly in the face of our faith!"

NASA spokesman Michael Braukus explained what this meant for the agencies stance on the age of the universe. "As you know, the consensus in the scientific community is that the universe is between 15 and 20 billion years old. This is somewhat at odds with a literal interpretation of the bible, which places the age of the universe at approximately 6,234 years. NASA is unable to take a position on this issue, so we are issuing a booklet of 'facts' about the universe that fit the ummm 'equally valid' theory of intelligent design. First off, many people will be surprised to learn that the observable universe extends no further than 6000 light years. This means that either the speed of light is less than 1 mile per hour or that we have to rescale the universe to fit this new data. Since the speed of light being less than one mile per hour is clearly ridiculous, NASA scientists have come up with a revised distance scale for the universe.

First off the closest star is Alpha Centauri, which is approximately just about 38,000 kilometers away- this makes a mission to another star finally practical! Also the distance to all the planets in our solar system is a short walk. The diameter of the Earth is approximately a few millimeters- I should add we are trying to nail this down, but there is some debate over how many millimeters the Earth's diameter is- current estimates vary between 2-5 millimeters. This indicates that the Earth is very overpopulated since 90% of humans fall between 1 meter and 2 meters in height... A footbal field is about 100 nanometers long, this will make the superbowl very interesting"

When asked for comment the respected Dr. Stephen J. Gould said "I gave up when the national park service declare that the grand canyon could be 4000 years old..."