We have the infamous "investigation".

Investigator: "Did you rape any women prisoners?"

Guard #1: "No sir! I've always treated them with the utmost respect. My mother was a woman, I wouldn't do that."

Investigator, to the next guy: "Well, did you rape any prisoners?"

Guard #2; "No sir. I was always with Guard #1. I wouldn't think of raping a prisoner, my sister was a prisoner, I couldn't do that. Frankly, I'm somewhat offended you asked me."

Investigator to Supervisor #1: "Did you see any guards raping women prisoners?"

Supervisor #1: "No sir, I would have regarded that as against the rules and written them up. I've thoroughly checked the files, and there are no write-ups, so I couldn't have seen that. You have my word on it, sir."

Investigator to Supervisor #2: "Do you believe Supervisor #1 to be an honest individual, one upon whose word you can rely?"

Supervisor #2: "Oh, yes sir! If Supervisor #1 tells you something, you can take it to the bank. Why he is so pure he has to wear weights around his ankles to keep from floating up into heaven."

Investigator to Doctor: "Doctor, did you treat any female prisoners who appeared to have been raped?"

Doctor: "Absolutely not! Unfortunately, these prisoners are very apt to masturbate vigorously, resulting in bleeding, bruising and the like. However, under the Rumsfeld Doctrine for the Humane Treatment of Detainees, we do not treat self-inflicted wounds. Mr. Rumsfeld rightly felt that treating those would be rewarding the behaviors.

"I can honestly say I have not treated any prisoner who was raped by a guard."

Thank God for the investigations. Really gets to the bottom of it.

What a complete crock. Didn't talk to the alleged victims, indeed! We pay these people good money for that level of performance. "You're doing a heckuva job, Brownie!"

Arf