McCain cancels Palin's presence at the VP debates, instead suggests the VP spouses settle matters in a 2 out of 3 arm-wrestling match carried on Fox News. Offers John Scalia as referee.

In a sweeping gesture of bi-partisanship he promises to nominate Obama for Secretary of State and Biden as Secretary of Defense. In a small but lucrative private fundraising dinner he tells folks that it doesn't matter, he is going to use Palin as the de facto SecDef And SecState. Obama and Biden can twiddle their thumbs while Palin picks up the "lingo" and brings fresh ideas to both areas. Palin says it's all about job creation anyway.

McCain promises to use only 'very smart' bombs on mosques in America as a logical extension of Bush's policy of attacking in Pakistan. Repeats Bush's statement, "No one will die." Says the American people should regard the screams of the jets, the whistling of the bombs and the explosions as "the sounds of peace".

McCain offers to solve the homeowners mortgage crisis by hiring Ed McMahon to expand the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes to 6 times a year. Ads run showing Ed and John knocking on doors opened by excited, screaming, jumping up and down people. Ad closes to voice of John McCain saying "I'm John McCain and I enjoy solving the housing crisis for American families."