Do not feel too bad, Jody
That is exactly what they wanted from you, essentially mindless
obedience and a drone in their group think.
While it won't be an entirely pleasant experience, you should read - if
you haven't already - Orwell's 1984. Social organizations are designed
to wear down anyone who opposes them, and if that doesn't work, then
they use force.
As O'Brien said to Smith in the novel, they don't want to kill him, at
least not right away, they want him to truly love Big Brother first.