In a lot of old stoner movies there was always the local buzzcut narc who would try and disguise himself as a hippie and "infiltrate" the local hangout. The wig, the corny dialogue, ("Hey man, what's happening?") the "peace" signs--all of these laughable attempts to sound like his idea of a stoner made him stand out like he was wearing a neon sign.

Let's take a look at "Shallow Throat," ostensibly a Republican:

Okay, let's overlook the wig and shades, which is pretty funny right off the bat. If everyone knew it was a wig, what's the point? One would think someone who knew about voiceprints would be a bit leery about being taped, but never mind.

"I don't understand," I started out. "With Bush&Co. under all this heat about pre-9/11 knowledge, Enron, Halliburton, anthrax, neo-imperialism overseas, courts ruling against them, our allies openly disagreeing with their policies, and all the rest, they're behaving as if they don't care. Indeed, they're proceeding to carry out even more outrageous moves, such as enlarging the government's capabilties to spy on American citizens whenever and however it wants."

Do you know anyone who actually talks out loud in sentences like this? Oh, wait. That's the "interviewer." Let's get back to the "conservative:"

"You namby-pamby liberals still don't get it," said ST. "They want it ALL. They're going to push you, bully you, threaten you, lie to you, ruin you until someone pushes them back and says enough. Trying to accomodate them, as the Democrat party leaders tend to do, just encourages them. It justifies their by-the-throat, bullyboy strategy. All they respect is power. Present them with a unified opposition, which threatens them with painful consequences, and they'll back off, or, more likely, first try another way to get around you. But at least you'll have slowed them down and put some fear into them."

Again, try saying this out loud. This applies to the whole "interview." And for cripes sake, when was the last time you heard the words "namby pamby liberal" used by a conservative, except in liberal cartoon ideas of how they think conservatives talk?

..."Look, it's not that difficult to figure out. Your side has the domestic issues the American people care about. And the Bush Administration is vulnerable on pre-9/11 knowledge -- for chrissakes, nearly 4000 people died while Bush and his cohorts did nothing in the face of all the warnings! -- and they're vulnerable on incompetent post-9/11 policy (global warming, Israel/Palestine, India/Pakistan, U.S. troops heading for combat all over the world, etc.)."

Parentheses are particularly hard to pronounce on tape. Don't try this at home. At least he didn't try to say a footnote.

..."Forget Bush; people realize he's a doltish front man and almost have pity for him as he stumbles around trying to act like a president. Focus on Cheney. He's in charge of so much and his ethical/financial vulnerabilities are massive. Ashcroft is a neofascist thug; even many of his GOP friends know he's gone way over the line in wrecking the Constitution and giving the federal government far too much power, which invariably will get abused. Get the fearful, anti-big-government conservatives on your side, at least as silent partners, and go get Ashcroft. He's ripe for the picking. Those are two good starters. If you do your job right, you might just rope in Karl Rove, too."

Sounds exactly like how a Republican high in the Bush Administration would talk, doesn't it? "Neofascist" is a term often tossed around by Republicans.

"Again, it's all logical: Defeat as many Republicans as you can in November. Good ones, bad ones, doesn't matter; take the House away from the far-right conservatives and deny a Senate comeback to the GOP. When that happens, the Democrats -- and a lot more moderate and decent conservative Republicans than you can imagine -- won't be so fearful anymore and the necessary cleansing actions can start: serious investigations, pointed questions, true opposition. You do that -- even though it hurts my own party (if the GOP hadn't been hijacked by American jihadists, I wouldn't be here talking to you) -- and I guarantee you that the Bush Administration will be on the slippery road to an inglorious end."

The "slippery road to an inglorious end??" Good Lord.

"The atmosphere in the Administration is as bad as it's ever been. If you're not with them 150%, you're with the enemy. I have to watch my every move, everything I say. I don't believe anybody suspects me, yet -- [this is where I spit coffee] -- my position gives me pretty good cover -- but anything could happen. I think I'd better take off now."

Cripes, even James Carville doesn't talk like this. Little pimpled leftist hosers who live in dorm rooms while trying to land a liberal arts degree in political science and have never been within a parsec of an honest job, talk like this.

Bernard Weiner is a flake. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt, and say that his "Shallow Throat" articles are a journalistic conceit--interviews with imaginary characters are a common feature with many columnists--but he gives no sign of this other than the sheer improbability of "Shallow Throat's" existence and the cartoon right-wing phrasing used in his articles. Does he actually expect us to believe this guy really exists? Who can tell?

Bet five bucks Cato thinks he exists...