I would say that a vast majority of Americans are a complex mix of both of these versions and much more. As just one example, I agree much more with your version of the "cop shooting in the back" piece than the one in the original.

"I think that anyone who ever quits being a student, even after they finish school, is asking for a petrified brain" should be put on a brass plaque.

I have seen cruder versions of the original "Bad American," and many differences in the translation. In one version

"I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box."

is written as

"I think that being an art student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster or Jack In The Box."

which changes the meaning quite a bit.