North Carolina’s copy had been missing for 138 years.

Unconfirmed reports say that not only the President, but John Ashcroft and Tom Ridge, both formerly unemployed and defeated Republicans, one of them losing an election to a dead man, regard recovering this copy as vital to homeland security. These reports say it is being suggested to the President that he host a secret White House Rose Garden ceremony where it will be burned.

“Having that out there will only agitate those already disturbed”, Ashcroft said, looking at the President for some sign of approval, adding “and the sooner those unreasonable fetters are out of the way the safer we’ll (indicating the White House) all be and the safer our resolute and devoted President can make the free world.”

Also unconfirmed, Colin Powell is said to have suggested the President order the ashes be scattered over Arlington National Cemetery. After the President laughed, so did Tom Ridge, who said he didn’t care what happened to the ashes as long as the President didn’t care, and he asked the President if it would be OK to call a press conference to issue a terrorist warning regarding al-Qaeda members who, acting alone or in concert, might try to steal them. With the Presidents permission the warning would apply ONLY from Maine to Florida, and as far west as the Mississippi River unless the President wanted to include more territory.

It is a bit less confirmed, at this time, that Ridge told the President he would say, “Those ashes could become a symbol to those people who would deprive Americans of their freedoms and the right to democracy. They would be aid and comfort to the enemy, and in wartime this President is unwavering in his determination to protect Americans!!”

The minutes of this meeting might reflect that Richard Cheney, the Vice President, suggested to the President that the President might want the ashes be dropped over France, so that at a later date France and the ashes could be liberated, and a government truly reflective of the French people could be installed. After adding that the Eiffel Tower and Arc de Triumphe would be great targets for cruise missiles, Cheney became serious and added that he was only the Vice President, and that would be a Presidential decision. After the President smiled all the Cabinet members smiled, too, and the meeting was adjourned on that cheerful note.

Arf (now if we could only get back the one The First Monkey and Ashcroft stole. THAT is confirmed.)