You're right that it's a familiar theme. Many Iraqis do talk and act like abuse victims, even including an urge to rationalize the behavior of the abuser. "Saddam is harsh, but he loves the Iraqi people, and does what is best for them" sounds much like the rationalization for an abusive father. It's not a leap of faith to see Iraqi society dealing with its strongman exactly as a child would relate to an abusive father, nor that individuals in the society would be conditioned to see authority of any kind as an extension of the abusive father figure.

You're right too about the relativity of the norm. Doubts about whether Iraqis can "handle" democracy aren't about their essential value as human beings, but legitimately about how far and how quickly their norm can be moved to where we want it to be. Maybe it would have been better to move through stages, starting with a strong individual as a symbolic focus, followed by gradual widening of power through traditional stages of advisors, formal councils, parliaments, and then representative democracy. To continue the metaphor, Iraq's chaos may be like the disorientation and panic of somebody rescued from a controlling and abusive situation, and suddenly turned loose to fend for him/herself: "freedom looks like anarchy".

The Pottery Barn Rule should apply to more than physical infrastructure. We've kicked the hell out of the Iraqi psyche too, and we need to put that back together.