Not bad. Working with non-conventional language and syntax is difficult even for skilled writers. Heinlein carries it off to some extent in "Moon is a Harsh Mistress." Impressed me as a teenager to the point where I still drop parts of sentences in casual writing. Like that.

I have read other good examples, but long ago, and the titles don't come to mind. Sometimes it's a bit forced...Yoda comes to mind.

You seem to be working through it all right.

I have trouble just keeping normal character dialogue consistent between one scene and the next! If I'm not careful, someone who normally talks casually ends up talking like Orson Welles in a later scene if I get carried away.