One of my colleagues today asked me to drive her to a meeting she had to attend across town, her arm was in a cast and she wished to drive as little as possible. I had an important lunch appointment I didn't want to miss, but she assured me we would be back in plenty of time. Unfortunately, things do not always work out as planned, and the meeting opened with an unscheduled presentation by a guest speaker; before we even got to the agenda, everything was delayed considerably while the man droned on interminably. I realized it was not my colleague's fault. Sometimes these things just happen.

I had little interest in the proceedings, I was just the chauffeur, but as the meeting dragged on, I realized there was a good possibility I might have to stand up my date. As things started to drag out, I started getting annoyed by the endless questions, interruptions, and pointless quibbling, not to mention inevitable delays and time wasting. Of course, although I understood intellectually that these people were just conscientiously trying to do their jobs, my emotional response was one of impatience and even anger. They were just wasting time and talking nonsense while I had to be somewhere else. Their comments and digressions were infuriating, and I was furious that these people could spend so much time and effort talking such nonsense.

All this time, my abstract, introspective self was quite amused at my reaction. These people had every right to do what they were doing, even an obligation, and it was I who was just an uninvited guest with nothing to contribute. I could see myself doing a slow burn at what I believed was a pointless exercise (because I had no stake in the agenda) while at the same time realizing that the participants had a legitimate reason to be there and do what they were doing. They were just fulfilling their responsibilities.

The interesting thing is that the intellectual and emotional aspects were so contradictory, but that I was aware of both, simultaneously. It's almost as if I had two heads on my body. I kept up making excuses for how bureaucratic and nit-picking the gathering was, while at the same time, part of my brain was having a great time watching me fidget and fuss simply because I was not getting my way, with no one to blame but myself for not having planned a little better. I missed my lunch appointment by almost half an hour.

Is this how schizophrenia first manifests itself?