A CONVERSATION BETWEEN GOD AND ST FRANCIS

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What
happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started
eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants
grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with
abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attract
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see
a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green
rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went
to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sodworms. It's
sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all
that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,
they cut it-- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it
in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize
grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and
pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was
a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
the autumn leaves fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus,
as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a
natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn
a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No fooling? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree
roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this
anymore.... St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about-

GOD: Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.