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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the
list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

THIS ONE'S FOR TOM:
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes
a whole box to start a campfire?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that
you don't need it.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good
ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even
if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and
a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some
people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine