A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’
“The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?”’

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK — where are you from, asshole?”

“A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
“He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’
“The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’”

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.”

“Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
“The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
“The first again yells, ‘I slept with your mother!’
“The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.”’