Just omissions. The Ten Commandments are all social laws.

To a small child, the parent is God. We know all, we supply everything, we are the source of all love and all wrath. We are very powerful. We need to respect our own power over our children and be responsible for its proper exercise.

I think of religion, in the context of parenthood, as a justification for us to use our power, and an excuse when we don't want to take responsibility for it. Rather the same way, we use Santa Claus as a promise with an underlying threat, when it's we ourselves who give or withhold from our children (and others) at a season in which community generosity holds us together in the dark and the cold.

Obedience isn't that difficult to compel, but it's not an instant response. One has to repeat the same things, over and over, until a pattern of expectation and reward is established for the little beasties. They internalize it and test it over the years, but taking account for emotional growth and increased intellectual gifts, it's pretty much the same.

We raised four children -- well, the youngest is 15, so we're not finished yet -- without the dubious benefit of religion. None of them are perfect, but none of them are criminals either, and they are all, so far, considerate and productive members of society. [/blowing one's own horn] We can't be the only atheists or agnostics to have done so, but this is the method we have employed.

Phase 1: Clear Boundaries

While the children were very young, we applied the Extremely Intelligent Puppy Theory of Childrearing. Puppies can be trained to obey by using lavish attention, lavish praise for good deeds, and swift discipline for naughty ones. Such discipline should be administered as close to the actual event as possible, iow, none of this "Wait until So-and-so gets home!" This only confuses the child, who will have forgotten what she has done if the punishment isn't connected with the misdeed.

Furthermore, punishment should be loud and deliberate but not physically damaging. It's not always possible not to lose one's temper, but it's always possible not to hurt a child while angry. I found a bedroom slipper to the rear end to be wonderful for this purpose. It produces startling, memorable noise, with very little damage. The only exception: actions that may incur serious bodily harm, such as playing with fire, electrical outlets, or running toward the street. In those cases, we made sure to inflict a little pain, because those were actions we wanted the child to associate with pain. Better a little pain from a measured hand than a lot of pain from an oncoming car.

Little children don't have any expectations about social behavior, and in fact believe themselves to be the center of the universe, which in fact they should be while tiny infants, because they need to know their own value to later appreciate the value of others. Empathy for other people doesn't come from a vacuum. They need to be petted and praised often and appropriately.

Later on, isolation is an excellent form of discipline. Religious organizations know this: they practice excommunication and shunning to punish their members. Remember that "time out" should be no longer, among children up to about the age of 7, than one minute for each year they are old. They won't remember why they're being punished any longer than that. After the sentence has been served, the parent should have a short conversation with the child about the reason for the punishment and the way the child can avoid being punished in the future. After age 7, one can be more creative in punishment, such as taking away a favorite game or sending the child to her room early that night, because the child will make the connection when reminded why. Never use food to reward or punish; it sets up health problems later.

Allowances must be made for experimentation and curiosity. Rug cleaner and superglue are your friends, and you are supposed to be smart enough to put valuable things out of the reach of small experimenters. If a child is trying to discover something about his physical world and makes a mess, the first time, express dismay at the mess, help the child clean it up, explaining specifically what is wrong, and set up a place in an acceptable space, with acceptable materials, for the child to experiment. (Taking time to play with him is also a good idea, so he can share the experiment with you.) If the child does the same thing again, it should be treated as a destructive act, and the child punished in a way appropriate to his age.

Phase 2: Good Example

As children get into toddlerhood, they look to the significant adults in their lives for a model of how to behave. They watch all the time. ALL the time. If we want children to behave in a certain way, this is the way in which we should act in front of them.

If we act in inappropriate ways, as we all do sometimes, we must respect the intelligence of the children and admit our error. Even parents make mistakes. They need to hear that from us, because they will come to the inevitable conclusion that we are fallible humans eventually anyway. If they can see us struggle with our own faults, and see us show self-awareness and humility, they can learn how to deal with their own faults. We, of course, have to make a true effort at self-correction, though.

In this way we can earn their respect as they get older. They will outgrow their adoration of the God Parents; respect and love is the best we can hope for. Children who respect their parents will have the courage to oppose their parents when their parents are wrong, but will want the approval and respect of their parents in return. This translates into a tempered respect for authority and social institutions in the greater world, of which the family is the first model.

It worked for us. Your mileage may vary.