<From:TheOnion.com

WASHINGTON, DC--Vowing to "restore the pristine splendor ofAmerica's natural treasures," President Bush Monday unveiled"Project: National Parks Clean-Up," an ambitious program to removeall toxic petrochemical deposits from national parks by2004.

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Above: Alaska's Denali National Park, one of the manywildlife refuges temporarily closed by Bush (inset).


"Places like Yellowstone and Yosemite were once pure, unspoiledwilderness," Bush said at a White House press conference. "But overthe course of the past 10 million years, we have allowed them to becomepolluted with toxic fossil-fuel deposits, turning a blind eye to the steadybuild-up of vast quantities of dangerous pollutants. It's time to end thisterrible neglect."

Continued Bush:"A comprehensive survey of our parks, conducted by a team of topgeologists specially commissioned by me, has discovered giant pockets ofpetroleum, coal, and other 'fossil poisons' beneath an alarming 38 percent ofour national parks' surface area. Though a majority of these poisons areburied under several million tons of rock strata, should they ever seep to thesurface and spread into the surrounding areas, they would spell disaster forthe parks' precious ecosystems."

Tounderscore the severity of the crisis, Bush produced a chart illustratingsurvey results for Yellowstone National Park, where a "staggeringlyhuge" toxic-petroleum deposit was discovered.

"This amount represents the equivalent of 40,000 supertankersworth of oil," said Bush, gesturing toward a line on the chart. "Toput the dangers into perspective, consider this: If these 'petro-poisons'should ever spill out into the park itself, the resulting environmentaldisaster would be 40,000 times worse than the damage caused by the wreck ofthe Exxon Valdez."

"We cannot allowsuch a thing to happen," Bush said. "We must remove this oil now,before it's too late."

Under the Bushplan, 7.2 billion tons of toxic petroleum would be removed by the target dateof January 2004. Unlike other federal environmental clean-up initiatives,administration officials say the plan would pay for itself, offsetting coststhrough the sale of petroleum byproducts produced as a result of the clean-upprocess.

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Above: An EPA oil-removal pump begins preliminary cleaning ofKings Canyon National Park inCalifornia.


The clean-up, EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman said, may even proveprofitable, a prospect that has attracted the participation of privateindustry. Already, many U.S. companies have expressed interest in lendingassistance, and it is hoped that these companies will carry out much, orperhaps all, of the clean-up effort.

Though"Project: National Parks Clean-Up" represents Bush's first majorenvironmental initiative since taking office, supporters are quick to pointthat he has been a longtime champion of petroleum removal.

"As governor of Texas, Bush fought tirelessly to protectthe state's subterranean environment through a series of massivepetrochemical-deposit clean-up projects," Secretary of the Interior GaleA. Norton said. "Under his governorship, more tons of petroleum-basedsubterranean environmental contaminants were removed in Texas than in all thenational Superfund clean-up sites combined. The Democrats talk a good gameabout the importance of cleaning up the environment, but when it comes toactually eliminating the threat of enormous oil deposits lurking under thesurface of our nation, no one can hold a candle to George W.Bush."

Thus far, reaction has been mixed.Some have said it is unrealistic for the president to try to remove so muchpetroleum so quickly. Others, such as Sen. Bob Smith (R-NH), have charged thatthe president is caving in to pressure from environmentalists, arguing thatthe government's energies would be better directed toward improving themilitary.

But despite such criticism, Bushstressed that the urgency of removing the oil deposits should take precedenceover everything else.

"Nothing is moreimportant than the legacy we leave future generations," Bush said."The costs of this project pale in comparison to the importance ofsafeguarding our planet's ecosystem. Our primary mission must be to protectand foster our nation's most precious natural resource: oil. I mean, theenvironment."