The modern table turkey is a genetic monstrosity designed for a single purpose: live fast, die young, leave a tasty corpse. They are so misshapen, with gigantic breast muscles, that they are physically unable to breed on their own. Their legs often cannot carry them properly. They grow to maturity far faster than wild turkeys, and have had their "appetite switch" genetically switched off to allow them to gorge themselves far more than would be natural. And, as noted, they are astonishingly stupid.

Such turkeys, "paroled" to live in petting zoos or other places, usually die within a year or so from the side effects of their own mutant metabolisms. The turkeys "pardoned" by Clinton last Thanksgiving are already dead.

These birds exist for one purpose: to be eaten. To be sentimental over them is as stupid as bemoaning the loss of those rapidly-grown farm trees that are chopped up to make paper.

The good news is that the techniques developed to grow these birds have allowed the price of a turkey to drop drastically and consistently for many years, bringing a turkey dinner to the tables of many poorer households that may not have been able to afford them in earlier years.

My biggest problem is that I never take the bird out of the freezer soon enough and have to prepare a half-frozen bird. Frostbite. Shivering salmonella germs. Ah well. Got to get more propane for the Weber today.