The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said......"Implants?'"

I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes..I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*thead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she usually gives me.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."