<1. It's very important that you're honest during this test. Otherwise it won't be as astounding when we guess your gender. So please think carefully about each question. Now, which shape do you prefer?

Red Square

Blue Circle





Here, I went with Blue Circle. Red Square has Soviet connotations, where Blue Circle hold a soothing color, as well as an emblem that associates with the circle of life.

2. Which color makes a better tee-shirt?



Green

Orange





Unlike my above answer, this one was only slightly biased. Green was the color of my T-shirts is the Army. It is also a more soothing color than everybody-look-at-me orange

3. Please pick a number.



1

6





I chose the even number.

4. Would you rather print or use cursive?



print

use cursive





Well, my cursive was shot in elementary school by a certain Mr. Knox, who suggested I should work on my sloppy printing -- which I did from that day on. I print.

5. Would you rather be rich or famous? Think about the possibilities.



rich

famous





Fame is a fleeting luxury, where money is a constant tool. I prefer rich to fame.

6. On a camping adventure, you get separated from your friends. You haven't seen them in hours, and you're completely alone in the woods. Would you...



look for them

stay put





I’m a hell of a tracker, and no stranger to the woods. I could probably find them within 30 minutes -- provided we stay in the woods, that is. Hitting pavement and strip mall becomes a real bear.

7. Which is better, a happy ending or a total surprise?



happy ending

total surprise





Happy is nice, but I prefer the surprise.

8. Would you rather fall to your death or drown?



fall

drown





I’ve never learned to fly, so this diehard optimist who swims like a fish would prefer drowning.

9. When you get a headache, do you usually take painkillers?



yes

no





Yes, I do. It makes me a lot easier to get along with -- and I notice that other people seem easier for me to get along with when I do.

10. And would you rather be deaf or blind? Seriously.



deaf

blind





A seriously silly question. Deaf, of course. I would have to learn to read if I were blind, and the internet wouldn’t be nearly as much fun as it is now.

11. Do you ever think about the beginning of time and wish you could've been there to witness it?



yes

no





I think we’ve discussed how cool that would be many times. Of course I would.

12. If given the choice, would you rather...



live forever

die happy





Live forever. Any death, happy or otherwise, is so -- permanent.

13. Scientifically speaking, which do you think came first?



The chicken

The egg





Obviously an evolving chicken was first. Where would the egg come from?

14. Are clams alive?



yes

no





For the record, yes.

But did this really need to be asked?

15. Which animal is smarter?



a horse

a pig





The pig wins.

16. Do you think that one day there will be world peace?



yes

no





Yes. Eventually the human race will either leave the planet, or die off.

17. Please choose one:



french fries

onion rings





French fries (onions give me the wind somethin’ fierce).

18. Do you like having your picture taken?



yes

no





Preferably not.

19. Would you rather be hungry or cold?



hungry

cold



Hungry. This Ohio-boy hates the cold.

20. Are you afraid of death?



yes

no





Extremely. It’s one of the chief reasons I’m still alive today. It’s the final unknown -- an unknowable unknown.

21. Our claim that we can guess everyone's gender is "impressive" and yet "retarded", writes one Spark fan. Which is it?



impressive

retarded





Retarded, but not nearly as retarded as asking me to validate the attempt.

22. Back to gender questions. So, would you rather live in a blue bedroom or a white bedroom? Picture this in your head.



blue

white





Aw, let me try painting it.

Blue is easier to clean than white, so I’ll take blue -- though I would prefer tan. I hides dirt the best.

23. Does Canada suck or what?



yes

yeah





W’ll -- yeah...

24. Which would you rather be?



completely and forever lonely

bleeding to death





There’s that death-thing again. I’d rather be forever lonely.

25. Do you sleep on your stomach or on your back?



stomach

back





Back

26. Which word is grosser?



moist

used





Used. It describes every car I’ve ever owned...

27. For years, philosophers have debated over what determines the future. Some say that fate exists, and that choice is an illusion. Others believe that we make choices of our own free will. What do you believe in?



fate

the ability to choose





It used to be the ability to choose, but man created governments in the form of the three fates of ancient Greece. I’ll naïvely stick with ability to choose.

28. More important, do you prefer to drink with a straw?



yes

no





Yes. Particularly at a fast-food place. Those monster cups get kinda flimsy after a while.

29. Consider the following sequence.



Red Rectangle | Orange Oval | Yellow Rectangle | Green Oval | Blue Rectangle

Please choose whichever object you think fills in the blank better:

Lopsided Purple Rectangle | Red Oval





Mixing prime colors, purple would be the logical next step, however, lopsided rectangles are not part of the pattern. I opt to start over with red and stay with the rectangle / oval pattern.

30. And which is a better way to ship things?



Truck

Ship





The two are not related, where the truck would be landlocked and the ship would be oceangoing. Anyway, trucks don’t sink, so I’ll take trucking.

31. If you had two jobs to do, which would you do first?



the easier one, to leave time for the harder one

the harder one, to get it out of the way





The harder one.

<1>32. Scenario: If you don't have the money by Tuesday, the kid dies. You can't get the money. Do you...



call the cops

call the kid's parents



Life and death requires police involvement.

33. Which number do you think fits better in the blank: 2, 4, __ ?



6

8





Both work, but I’ll take the baby steps and say 6.

34. College is worth both the time and the money.



true

false





I wish it cost less, but I have to say it’s true.

35. Technology always prevails.



true

false





False.

36. Who will win?

This is the one with the two monkeys. I chose the flashy guy leaping through the air.

37. Myths are often based on fact.



true

false





True, just like that Oscar-winning movie of the week.

38. What is the greater value of the Internet?



information

communication





I would have to say information. It’s out there, you just have to sift through it.

39. Best friends can be worst enemies.



true

false





Yes. They’ll know damaging things about you that you’ve completely forgotten.

40. In a certain light, nuclear war would be exciting.



true

false





True. Hollywood has made a killing off exciting stuff like this.

41. You're on the last page! Which is more correct?



Here we have the word “blue” in white typeface on a blue background, followed by the word “blue” in blue typeface on a white background.





Well, the letters of the word “blue” being blue best represent the idea.

42. Which would you really prefer?



a fair fight

brass knuckles





An Uzi -- but I’ll settle for the knuckles.

43. Is consciousness an illusion?



yes

no





No.

44. Do you associate better with people of your own gender?



yes

no





The scale is pretty close either way, but I would have to say no.

45. Do you like to go to the movies by yourself?



yes

no





Of course not. Who would I complain to?

46. Which is a better nickname for a male porn star?



Black Jack

The Slot Machine





I’m sure someone would be able to explain it to me, but I chose Black Jack.

47. Stop and think about your middle name for a second. Does it end with a vowel?



yes

no





Uh-oh. Ends with a Y, so it could go either way. I’ll say yes.

48. Do you usually carry stuff in your pockets?



yes

no





Yes. My cheeks were getting sore.

49. Which place is worse?



the hospital

a courtroom





The most germ infested place in the world is the local hospital. Why do you think they keel cleaning them? I would say the hospital is worse.

50. And finally, were you born in an even or odd year?



even

odd





Well, since I was born yesterday, that would make it an even year.

AND THE RESULTS ARE...

You are definitely a woman!

“You bitches, I am a guy.” Well, I would have just called them retarded, as they suggested in the test.

Funny. I took the test last year and passed as a definite guy.

Oh well...
Dan