I got an e-mail today from the Center for Science and the Public Interest. Apparently, the Smithsonian Institution has signed a contract with McDonalds to provide food service, and these CSPI gasbrains, whom I have already condemned to a lower circle of Hell for removing coconut oil from theater popcorn, have taken offense. They think that the Smithsonian should educate people by providing "healthy" food for its patrons. More suggestions followed, which I reprint with some comments from someone with two kids who is, therefore, a McDonald's expert (though not a major fan of the food):

* Menu boards should display the calorie content of each item.

Tables displaying this are already at many restaurants, and where they aren't, they will hand you a brochure on request.

* Patrons should be encouraged to include healthful beverages with meal combinations (e.g., Value Meals, "Happy Meals").

What the heck is a "healthful beverage?" I know that McDonalds will cheerfully substitute milk for soda on request.

* Meatless low-fat burgers should be offered.

The fast-food graveyard is filled with attempts like this. Some years back every fast food chain tried to sell a veggieburger, and the customers weren't having any of it. They tasted like crap, in spite of all the extra sauces they put on things to disguise the meat. And if the customer had wanted a goddam veggieburger, they wouldn't have walked into a McDonalds in the first place.

* Fresh fruit, fruit salads, and vegetable dishes should comprise a substantial part of the menu.

Again, go to Boston Market (also owned by McDonalds) if you want creamed corn. McDonalds has many salads. Fresh fruit ain't easy to work with in a fast food place.

* Fried foods should be cooked in liquid vegetable oil, not partially hydrogenated shortening.

McDonalds DOES cook everything in vegetable oil, apparently a mix of corn and soybean according to an allergy-alert brochure available on request at the restaurant. They switched over in 1990.

* Pizza offerings should include varieties that contain half or less the normal amount of cheese and that use low-fat cheese.

I can't even GET pizza at my McDonalds. Apparently they also own Donatos Pizza. Anyplace that makes pizzas to order will adjust cheese quantities to suit. Donatos uses provolone cheese. I have no idea how fatty that is.

In any case this is just one more high horse these nutrinazis have climbed up on.

How did I get on their e-mail list? One of their previous campaign complained bitterly about the marketing alliance between the Harry Potter franchise and Coca Cola. Their associated website invited us all to write letters of protest.

I wrote one, pointing out the inanity of linking Harry Potter to some kind of anti-sugar campaign. I pointed out, not in these exact words, that had any of these needledicks read the books--highly doubtful--they would have noticed that Harry and his friends are sugar fiends, consuming yucky snacks with great enthusiasm. On the train to Hogwarts in the first book, Harry and his friend Ron hit the train's snack cart and cheerfully consume eleven Sickles and seven Knuts worth of "Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, Chocolate Frogs, Pumpkin Pasties, Cauldron Cakes, Licorice Wands, and a number of other strange things Harry had never seen in his life." If the snack cart offered carrot sticks and sesame crackers, the book does not mention it.

When they arrive at Hogwarts, the first meal given them consists of "roast beef, roast chicken, pork chops, lamb chops, sausages, bacon and steak, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes, fries, yorkshire pudding, peas, carrots, gravy, ketchup, and for some strange reason, peppermint humbugs." A meal which would no doubt make a CSPI nutritionist faint dead away, although they might grudgingly eat some boiled potatoes and vegetables.

Throughout the books this eating pattern continues. Harry Potter may be a lot of things, but he has the deep interest in nutrition and healthy food of any other young teenager, i.e. none.

Have I mentioned butterbeer? I have no idea what this is, but the closest reference I found was a mixture of root beer and melted butter, which might taste great to a kid, but in my opinion would gag a maggot. As for healthy, I'd take Coca Cola any day.