SALT LAKE CITY, Utah Feb 18th --- War between the great superpowers of Canada and Russia was narrowly averted today, after the Olympic Committee solved a figure-skating controversy by awarding gold medals to both Canada and Russia. The controversy, which occurred several days ago, put these nations at the brink of war. Canada was upset that the Russian figure skating pair had been given the gold medal.

Russia was angry at Canada for contesting the result. And everybody was angry at France for screwing up the judging. Jean Cretien, Canadian Prime Minster and a generally grouchy guy, was eager for war.

"We will march into ze snow and take back what is right ours!" said Cretien, Prime Minister of Canada. "We will restore Siberia to it true name: Far West Canada! Moscow will be Musceau! St. Petersburg will be St. Pierre!"

Russian President Vladimir Putin was just as eager. "We will rid the world of senseless Canadian aggression! And gain more land for my people. Not to mention food. My people are hungry and Canadians have lots of bacon and maple syrup. Yum! Fight, my Russian soldiers! Vancouver will be Vancuvickgrad! Quebec will be Kibek! Toronto will be Trontski! Troops mobilized on both countries borders, although problems prevented a quick and easy war. Russia had millions of people willing to march into Canada, but quickly ran out of money for uniforms.

Russian President Vladimir Putin spent most of his time begging President Bush and Tony Blair for some tanks and guns. Canada had troops ready, but had no easy way to get to Russia without going through Alaska, which would have provoked war with the United States, or hitting them in the Baltic ports, which would have required a very big boat. Luckily, these logistical problems gave the International Olympic Committee enough time to come up with their solution.

Although war between Canada and Russia has been averted, all sides remain eager for war on France.