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Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks

IN GENERAL
o Never take a beer to a job interview.
o Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
o It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
o If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
o Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.

DINING OUT
o When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
o If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOUSE
o A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
o Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
o While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
o Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
o However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
o Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (outside the family, please)
o Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
o Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years ago."
o Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00PM; Others might say "Monday". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
o Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
o Refrain from talking to the characters on screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
o Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
o Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
o For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
o Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
o Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
o When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right-of-way.
o Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
o When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
o Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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Dan