Almost certainly not from Andy Rooney...
but still funny! One of them is a dead giveaway that Rooney didn't write it:
Andy Rooney On Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney is about 80 years old (he is a WWII vet). I rather doubt his grandmother is still alive. None of the others sound very much like his whinny style of writing, either. They're still good for a laugh.