Man do I need to rant a bit. Had the commute from hell this morning on a day that's normally light driving. For some reason every absolutely assinine driver was on the road at the same time I was today and my normally 25 minute commute lasted 1 hour.

Here's the rules I'd like to see in the Arizona Driver's Manual:

1. If you're driving a large vehicle such as an SUV, pickup truck or heavy van that has heavy-duty suspension, you don't have to slow down to 5 mph going over a friggin set of railroad tracks.

2. There are no invisible cars so when in traffic don't stop at a light 3 car lengths back from the car in front of you.

3. If I could somehow cause your cellphone or makeup case to explode in your face I would be a murderer at least 4 or 5 times a day.

4. There's a major reason why Detroit does not install machine guns on my vehicle like James Bond's Aston Martin. When the light turns green there's this whole line of frustrated drivers behind you that are counting on you to accellerate smoothly without delay.

5. When there's a long line of cars at rush hour waiting at a light, it is not the time for you to insist upon making a left turn through them from the parking lot you wish to exit. Go around the damned corner.

6. Not using your blinker when changing lanes quickly in front of a car going much faster than you is motive for murder.

7. Your blinker on does not give you the right of way. It only signals intent.

8. I have lost the Good Samaritan part of me that used to exhibit itself often during rush hour. The last cars I was kind enough to stop for and let into traffic ahead of me did the following:

a. As soon as they got into traffic ahead of me, they stopped in the lane, put on their left blinker and waited 2 minutes for an opening to move over.

b. Their engine smoked like a Sunday barbecue filling my car up with nasty smelling exhaust.

c. They went so slow that I missed a light we were both easily destined to make. However, they sped up once the light went yellow so they made it.

d. Their car stalled and stopped in the lane in front of me.

e. My clear vision ahead behind cars of similar size to my commuter vehicle suddenly became the back end of a lifted giant pickup truck.

9. When you see signs (assuming you can read) that say your lane is ending in 1/2 mile, your job is to begin now to look for a way over. I will not let you in if you try to force your way later (unless you're bigger than me or armed).

Anyway, it probably sounds as if I'm in constant road rage but believe me, it's a controlled rage. If I flip someone off, I keep my hand down below where they can see it and my cussing is simply a stress reliever. Now if only someone could invent a device I could put in my car that had some kind of directed electro-magnetic pulse that would fry the electronics of whatever car I aimed it at, there would be some real justice.