My Bad Conduct Discharge sits right next to the Good Conduct medal certificate I received just before I left. I left behind a $4000 reenlistment bonus check (the 6 year enlistment for the nuclear program required an automatic re-upping at 4 years) that arrived in the mail a day after I got in my truck and drove away. Years later, that uncashed check cost me $700 in federal taxes because of poor record keeping by the Navy.

I was brought back to the Navy 7 years after leaving and spent a few months basically getting put back in boot camp and got paid as an E5 the entire time I was being processed out. Had I known I would still get paid, I would've returned years earlier since I was always one paycheck away from getting behind on my bills. It's amazing how you don't allow yourself to get your life in order when you have something like that hanging over your head. I threw away a lot but somehow my convictions always meant more to me than financial success. By the way, while I was gone, I never really hid. I returned to my home town, worked various jobs, filed taxes, and lots of people knew my status including my last employer at the YMCA.

As for your absolutely true assertion that our military can't work properly without total capitulation of its enlisted ranks, by the time I left, I didn't care anymore. The system had proved itself so corrupt and wasteful, I felt that what I'd be giving up personally would be so much greater than the loss the military would receive.

You state that you hated the Navy and of course I understand that. At two years I had those stirrings but most of that time had just been in schooling so I really hadn't seen the real crap. By five years that hatred was overwhelming and consumed my every moment both awake and asleep. My health was suffering for the deep depression it brought me. I felt I was a crisis away from a complete breakdown. Because of that culture you so accurately described, there was nobody really to turn to. I was surrounded not by caring individuals but lifer rednecks who's attitudes I had no respect for.

The effects on my life have been profound. I gave up my GI Bill benefits so I never completed college. I gave up a lucrative career in the nuclear power industry. Some of my old shipmates are now making 6 figure incomes. I'm certain I've been turned down for jobs I've applied for because I'm honest on applications when asked if I've ever been convicted of a crime. I have this lingering guilt, not about standing up for my convictions, but instead for not fulfilling a solid and legal commitment I made. It's the only time in my life that's occurred. During the 7 years away from the Navy, I didn't allow myself to really improve my life's standing knowing that at any time I could be whisked away to answer for my indiscretion.

Apparently, my stellar record in the military prior to going over the hill, my impassioned account at my courts martial, and the huge array of letters of character from people that came out of the woodwork all helped to minimize my punishment after a conviction of desertion. Similar cases brought about long prison sentences and Dishonorable Discharges but I ended up with basically a slap on the wrist and Bad Conduct discharge. Even so it felt like the world was ending.

I think it's why the people on this board that have never experienced turmoil like this in their lives, never served a day in the military, and never had to endure an impossible choice like I felt I had to make, anger me so much with their narrow view of right or wrong. My gosh. My crisis has seemed overwhelming and yet I never had a day where I had no food or parts of my body were dying slowly. I've always had a roof over my head and no individual ever has expressed murderous thoughts towards me that I know of. I'm sure I'll received some derision now for this history from the likes of them but I could care less. The people that know me and interact with me on a day to day basis know that I'll be there for them if things go wrong. It's what life's all about.

Art

Art