Accosting the Oscar Meyer
Addressing Mr. Palmer
Appropriate the means
Arm aroebics
Backstroke Roulette
Battling the purple-helmeted warrior
Bash the bishop
Bash the Candle
Beat off
Beat Pete
Beat the bologna
Beat the bishop
Beat the butter
Beat the dummy
Beat the meat
Beat the stick
Beat your meat like it owes you money
Bequeath your genes
Bleed the lizard
Bleed the weed
Bloating the vein
Blow your load
Bludgeon the beefsteak
Bob the hog
Bombing the German helmut
Bop the baloney
Box the Jesuit
Boxin' the Bozak
Boxin the Ballsack
Break one off
Break you off at the wrist
Buck the bone
Buff the banana
Buff the mushroom
Buff the wood
Burp the baldman
Burp the worm
Bust a nut
Butter the corn
Caulk the tile
Charge the rod
Charm the serpent/snake
Check the oil
Chipping wood
Choke the chicken
Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
Chong your schlong
Churning butter
Clean your pipes
Clean your rifle
Closing the deal
Come into your own
Conking the Cardinal
Converse with Harry Palm
Crab tease
Crack off a batch
Cracking off
Cracking the bat
Crank the shank
Cream the cheeze
Cream your corn
Cream your jeans
Creamed beef
Create an arch
Crown the king
Cuff the carrot
Culture the American Blood Sausage
Date Palmala Handerson
Date Rosy palm and her 5 sisters
Diddle
Diddling the dinky
Dilly with the willy
Dinging the dong
Discipline your soldier
Discussing Uganda
Disobey the Pope
Doin' the Hand Jive
Donkey Spank
Dra en handtralla
Drain Charles Dickens
Drain the monster
Dry-firing your musket
Dunking the dolphin
Dusting the old trophy
Educating Peter
Empty the cannon
Encapsulate your probe
Erupting Vesuvius
Evicting the testicular squatters
Exercise your rights
Express yourself
Facha la manuela
Feed the ducks
Feed the fist
Fidget with your digit
Fight the Champ
Firing off a round
Firing the flesh musket
Fire the hand cannon
Fire the Surgeon General
Fire the wobbly warhead
Fist fuck
Fist kebabing
Fist of fury
Fist your mister
Five against one
Five finger discount
Five knuckle shuffle
Flick the dick
Flog the bishop
Flog the dog
Flog the hog
Flog the infidel
Flog your dong
Floggin' the Dolphin
Floggin' the log
Floppin' beef
Flub the Dub
Flute solo
Fondle the fig
Free Willy
Free the slaves
Friendly Fire
Frothinghands' mate, Fistina
Gallop the antelope
Getting comfortable
Getting in touch with your inner-self
Give it a tug
Givin' Yul Brenner a high-five
Glaze the clay
Glaze the donut
Go a couple rounds with the champ
Go back to the wig-wam and beat the tom-tom
Go to war with yourself
Going out with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
Grab the flab
Grab the slab
Grease the Goofy
Grease the pipe
Grip the tip
Gripping Flipper
Hack the hog
Hack off
Hand job
Hand to gland combat
Hand work
Have it off
Having a whack attack
Having a staff meeting
Helping the python shed its skin
Herkin the Gherkin
Hit on Rosy Palm
Hitchhike under the big top
Hump the horn
Hump your hose
Hold the bold
Hold the mayo
Hotdog-a-rama
Ignite the Lightsaber
Infiltrate your crabs
Innoculate the newborn
Jackhammer
Jack off
Jack the corn
Jack the sack
Jack the joystick
Jack your Jizz
Jack your monkey
Jack yourself
Jack'n the beanstalk
Jam the joystick
Jerk the Gherkin
Jerk the Turk
Jerk your rope
Jerkin' the noodle
Jerkin' the wheel
Jiggling the dice
Juice your fruit
Kill the Pope
Knock on wood
Knuckle shuffle on the old piss pump
Launching the Tadpoles
Lightening the load
Lighting the candle
Little pinky hit the slinky
Loading the cannon
Lope the mule
Lube the cord
Make the bald man puke
Make silly with the willy
Making a six-fist
Making duck butter
Making oyster soup
Manipulate the mango
Manistrupation
Mannin' the Cannon
Manual override
Manually assisted wet dream
Massage the fireman's neck
Massage the one-eyed monk
Maximize your potency
Meet Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters
Meet your right-hand man
Messin' with Moby
Milk the lizard
Milk the maggot
Mix up a batch
Mount a corporal and a four
Murder the Bishop
Mustard on the burger
Nerk your throbber
Oil the glove
Onan's olympics
One-eye target practice
One-man show
One off the wrist
Oscillating the Oscar Meyer
Pack your palm
Packaging the ol' sausage
Paddle the pickle
Paint the pickle
Paint the ceiling
Passing math
Pat the Robertson
Peeling the chile
Perm your poodle
Petting the snake
Petting the Wookie
Phone the czar
Pitch a knuckle ball
Play with your Willy Wanker
Playing the fiddle
Playing the flesh trombone
Playin' the hairy banjo
Playing the man-flute
Playing the pink oboe
Playing a solo on your meat whistle
Playing soapy Peter
Playing with the pink Power Ranger
Playing with your 6th finger
Playing with your big Alien
Playing Yahtzee
Please your pisser
Pluckin' your chicken
Plunk your twanger
Pocket pinball
Pocket pool
Pocket the rocket
Polish the bayonet
Polish the bishop
Polish the knob
Polish the log
Polish the Oscar
Polish the pole
Polish the rocket
Polish the shooter
Polish the sword
Polish the Viper
Polish your antlers
Polish your helmet
Polish your horn
Polishing Charlie Brown
Polishing Percy
Popping the zit
Portuguese Pump
Pound off
Pound the bobo
Pound the pelican
Pound the pudding
Pound your flounder
Pound your pud
Pow-wow with the one-eyed Redskin
Practice the Heimlich Maneuver
Prime the womb cannon
Puff the one-eyed dragon
Pull off
Pull one out
Pull the ducks neck
Pull the root
Pull the pole
Pull the pope
Pull your pud
Pull the pudding
Pull your prick
Pulling a solo session
Pulling on Peter
Pulling the goalie
Pummel the love truncheon
Pump the monkey
Pump the python
Pumping gas at the self-service island
Punching the clown
Punchin' the Munchkin'
Punching your puppet
Punish the Harlequin
Punish the penguin
Raise the flag
Rake your meat
Ram the ham
Ravage the innocent
Read 'em his rights
Rewinding your tape
Ride the great white knuckler
Ringing for the elevator
Rolfing the piglet
Rob the knob
Rollig the dice
Rolling your quarters
Rope the goat
Rope the pony
Rough up the suspect
Rub off
Rub one out
Rub the tub
Rub your head
Run a batch
Runka
Running Peter through two-a-days
Running the whack-a-thon
Sailors' joy
Salute the sailor
Sanding the banister
Schplitzing your schmeckel
Shag
Shake the snake
Shake the weasel
Shakin' hands with little Elvis
Shakin' hands with Mr. Winkie
Shakin' hands with the unemployed
Shakin' your hands at the sky
Shakin' your own maracas
Shifting gears
Shine the barrel
Shine the hose
Shine your pole
Shoe shine
Shoot your squirt
Shoot your wak
Shooting the shark
Shooting putty at the moon
Shuffle the deck
Sifting through the nest to find mama bird
Single dingles
Siphoning off the tank
Slakin' the bacon
Slammin' the salmon
Slam the ham
Slam the hammer
Slam the salomi
Slam the spam
Slap your head
Slappin' Pappy
Slappin' the Cap'n
Slapping the clown
Slapping the salomi
Slaying the one-eyed monster
Slimmer
Sling the jelly
Slog the log
Smacking the sausage
Snap the carrot
Snap the radish
Snap the rubber
Snap the whip
Snuggle the nozzle
Soldier's toy
Solo spit
Spackling the ceiling
Spam Wham
Spank the carrot
Spank the frank
Spank the hangdown
Spank the monkey
Spank the tank
Spank the wank
Spank your little boy
Spinning the record
Spit one off
Spit the seeds
Spit-shining the boots
Splat the cat
Sprayin' the spectators
Sprinklin' the lawn
Squeeze the cheese
Squeeze the lemon
Squeezing the cream filling from the twinkie
Squeezing the Creamy Filter
Squeezing the squid
Squirt one off
Squirtin' Burton
Straddle your paddle
Strangle the dangle
Stroking it
Stroking Steven
Stroking the Scooby
Stroking the schlong
Stroke off
Stroke the dog
Stroke the goat
Stroke your ego
Stroke your poker
Stroke the purple-nosed gusset ferret
Stroke the trumpet
Stroke your wookie
Strokem your scrotum
Stuck in left field
Suffocate the organ
Surfing on the Milky Highway
Taffy pulling contest
Taffy tugger
Take a beating
Take a load off your mind
Take a ride on the mean spanking machine
Take matters into your own hands
Take ol' stiff neck to the movies
Take yourself in hand
Tame the bald headed mouse
Tame the monster
Tame the shrew
Teach your dog to spit
Teach Yule Brenner some respect
Tease the weenie
Tenderize the meat
Test the flashlight
The tube of cream
Thropping your marrow
Throw the ball around
Throw out
Thump the pump
Tickle your pickle
Torment the Trouser Trout
Torquing the wrench
Toss off
Tossing the ham javelin
Train the Love Porpoise
Trying to pull something off
Tug o' war with ol' Cyclops
Tugging the tapioca tube
Tuning the fork
Turn the knob
Tweak your twiddle
Twirl the squirrel
Twist your turnip
Twistin' the Piston
Unleash the fury
Unloading passengers from the five-car train
Unsheathing the pork sword
Vaccinate the baby
Varnish the flagpole
Visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters
Wack the weasel
Walk the dog
Walking old one-eye
Wank
Wank the crank
Wanking one-eyed Willy
Wanking the one-eyed wonder worm
Wanking the scube
Warming up the altar boys' dinner
Washing the goose's neck
Washing the hog
Wasting babies
Wave the wand
Wax the bean
Wax the board
Wax the Buick
Wax the candle stick
Wax the carrot
Wax the dolphin
Wax the musket
Wax the womb broom
Wax your surfboard
Whack off
Whack on your back
Whack little Mac
Whack the pud
Whack the yak
Whack your Magic Johnson
Whip off
Whip the dummy
Whip the wire
Whip your dripper
Whippin' the mule
Whippin' the pony
Whippin' the weasel
Whipping Dripping
Whipping your Skippy
Whipping your Willy
Whizzin' Jizzum
Whittling Dixie
Winding the Wurlitzer
Wonk your conker
Work off
Workin' the Jerkin
Wrestle the eel
Wrestle the bald-headed champion
Wrestle with Cyclops
Wring out your rope
Wringin' the towel
Wringin' out the tube steak
Yang your wang
Yank off
Yank the crank
Yank the plank
Yank the yam
Yank the Yoda (Do or do not; there is no try.)
Yank your strap
Yank your wank
Yankee your Wankee
Yuckin' your choad

Hey, you asked.