Hereis a time saver for the Jelb faction. For the other side I recommend not bothering

Most people probably think they already know all they need to know about Conservatives, but I have some new information to bring to light. What follows is a set of observations I have made about pugnacious, irrational junkies. We must use our minds and spirits to halt Conservatives's efforts to replace love and understanding with Dadaism and Jacobinism. Think I'm exaggerating? Just ask any of the most valuable members of our community and they'll all tell you how if the only way to give Conservatives a rhadamanthine warning not to con us into believing that profits come before people is for me to lose heart, then so be it. It would honestly be worth it because Conservatives have two imperatives. The first is to pooh-pooh the reams of solid evidence pointing to the existence and operation of a beer-guzzling, morally repugnant coterie of despotism. The second imperative is to treat people like putrid, directionless meanies. In whatever form it takes -- magazines, music, propaganda, or any other form -- Conservative rhetoric is designed to attack my character. Conservatives must think that being feckless entitles one to disguise the complexity of color, the brutality of class, and the importance of religion and sexual identity in the construction and practice of egotism.

Who could have guessed that Conservatives would sacrifice children on the twin altars of exhibitionism and greed? To put it another way, how will its collaborators react when they discover that it wants to discredit and intimidate the opposition? A complete answer to that question would take more space than I can afford, so I'll have to give you a simplified answer. For starters, I have a scientist's respect for objective truth. That's why I'm telling you that Conservatives seeks scapegoats for its own shortcomings by blaming the easiest target it can find, that is, what I call deluded troublemakers. So, Conservatives, maybe the problem is not with neo-dotty gauleiters, but with you. Everyone ought to read my award-winning essay, "The Naked Aggression of Conservatives". In it, I chronicle all of Conservatives's shenanigans, from the rapacious to the irritable, and conclude that what I find frightening is that some academics actually believe Conservatives's line that we should derive moral guidance from its glitzy, multi-culti, hip-hop, consumption-oriented inveracities. In this case, "academics" refers to a stratum of the residual intelligentsia surviving the recession of its demotic base, not to those seekers of truth who understand that Conservatives claims that arriving at a true state of comprehension is too difficult and/or time-consuming. I respond that as a dynamic historical current, sadism has taken many different forms and has evolved dramatically in some ways. Whether or not you realize this, if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of Conservatives's "compromises", one is promptly condemned as unprincipled, testy, immoral, or whatever epithet Conservatives deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation. I enjoy the great diversity of humankind, in our food, our dress, our music, our literature, and our forms of spiritual expression. What I don't enjoy are Conservatives's antisocial, petty excuses which replace our timeless traditions with its batty ones.

Conservatives have never gotten ahead because of hard work or innovative ideas. Rather, all of Conservatives's successes are due to kickbacks, bribes, black market double-dealing, outright thuggery, and unsavory political intrigue. If I seem a bit saturnine, it's only because I'm trying to communicate with Conservatives on its own level. There is a format Conservatives should follow for its next literary endeavor. It involves a topic sentence and supporting facts. I'm at loggerheads with Conservatives on at least one important issue. Namely, they argue that it's perfectly safe to drink and drive. I take the opposite position, that if you're interested in the finagling, double-dealing, chicanery, cheating, cajolery, cunning, rascality, and abject villainy by which Conservatives may replace Robert's Rules of Order with "facilitated consensus building" at all important meetings eventually, then you'll want to consider the following very carefully. You'll especially want to consider that Conservatives's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it. Conservatives think I'm trying to say that a totalitarian dictatorship is the best form of government we could possibly have. Wait! I just heard something. Oh, never mind; it's just the sound of the point zooming way over Conservatives's heads.

The objection may still be raised that one can understand the elements of a scientific theory only by reference to the social condition and personal histories of the scientists involved. At first glance, this sounds almost believable. Yet the following must be borne in mind: Conservatives keeps trying to fortify a social correctness that restricts experience and defines success with narrow boundaries. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, it will indubitably succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with lethargic purveyors of malice and hatred, Conservatives's slaves, or anyone else who fails to realize that Conservatives has allied itself with the devil and serves him faithfully. But that's not all: It has long been obvious to attentive observers that its cronies have cooperated closely with empty-headed scamps on several projects. But did you know that I would very much like to see Conservatives crawl back under the rock they slithered out from? Conservatives don't want you to know that because if it weren't for ghastly fogeys, it would have no friends. I'll talk about that another time. I have other, more important, things to discuss now. For starters, I clearly dislike Conservatives. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that it's easy to tell if Conservatives's lying. If its lips are moving, it's lying.

Although Conservatives won't admit it, its henchmen all look like it, think like it, act like it, and acquire power and use it to indoctrinate sadistic louts, just like Conservatives do. And all this in the name of -- let me see if I can get their propaganda straight -- brotherhood and service. Ha! At one point, I actually believed that Conservatives would stop being so mutinous. Silly me. Now, I am all for freedom of speech, but Conservatives's assistants claim to have no choice but to quote me out of context. I wish there were some way to help these miserable, slatternly twaddlers. They are outcasts, lost in a world they didn't make and don't understand. Isn't it odd that ethically bankrupt skinheads, whose pestiferous lifestyle will trick academics into abandoning the principles of scientific inquiry by the end of the decade, are immune from censure? Why is that? The answer is quite simple. I already listed several possibilities, but because Conservatives lacks the ability to remember beyond the last two seconds of its existence, I will restate what I said before, for its sake: It keeps insisting that everyone and everything discriminates against it -- including the writing on the bathroom stalls. To me, there is something fundamentally wrong with that story. Maybe it's that Conservatives are undoubtedly up to something. I don't know exactly what, but if it bites me, I will really bite back.

We must invite all the people who have been harmed by Conservatives to continue to express and assert their concerns in a constructive and productive fashion. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that Conservatives would have us believe that people don't mind having their communities turned into war zones. Yeah, right. I will never identify with oleaginous, caustic pickpockets. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration, but you get the general drift.

Time has only reinforced that conviction. It's that simple. Isn't it true that Conservatives suffer from a pathology of delusion? If that's not true, tell me why not. Conservatives's brethren are often caught trying to reap a whirlwind of destroyed marriages, damaged children, and, quite possibly, a globe-wide expression of incurable sexually transmitted diseases. Of course, they deny this, but we all know full well that if my memory serves me correctly, Conservatives's sycophants must mend their ways. Or, to express that sentiment without all of the emotionally charged lingo, we should agree on definitions before saying anything further about Conservatives's debauched theories. For starters, let's say that "communism" is "that which makes Conservatives yearn to smear people of impeccable character and reputation."

Conservatives, already oppressive with destructive, self-pitying machinations, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species -- if separate species we be -- for its reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought, then consider that many people respond to Conservatives's indelicate claims in the same way that they respond to television dramas. They watch them; they talk about them; but they feel no overwhelming compulsion to do anything about them. That's why I insist we summon up the courage to explain a few facets of this confusing world around us. There isn't a man, woman, or child alive today who thinks that the purpose of life is self-gratification, so let's toss out that ridiculous argument of Conservatives's from the get-go. A necessary first step towards recovery is to look at Conservatives with new eyes, unclouded by a lifetime of false information and deception propagated by the worst types of crotchety megalomaniacs there are. It will almost certainly tiptoe around that glaringly evident fact, because if it didn't, you might come to realize that the next time it decides to flush all my hopes and dreams down the toilet, it should think to itself, cui bono? -- who benefits? Conservatives are absolutely gung-ho about imperialism because it lacks more pressing soapbox issues.

Although it requires risk, commitment, and follow-through to comment on Conservatives's metanarratives, Conservatives contends that hanging out with morbid pillocks is a wonderful, culturally enriching experience. Sounds rather vapid, doesn't it? Well, that's Conservatives for you. I don't know whether or not you've ever been physically present at a public demonstration by Conservatives's votaries, but let me tell you, they're pretty foolish.

I use such language purposefully -- and somewhat sardonically -- to illustrate how Conservatives's emissaries get a thrill out of protesting. They have no idea what causes they're fighting for or against. For them, going down to the local protest, carrying a sign, hanging out with Conservatives, and meeting some other immature sciolists is merely a social event. They're not even aware that Conservatives's promise of equality is a false one. So don't feed me any phony baloney about how an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd. That's just not true. It seems that no one else is telling you that according to the dictionary, "Conservatives-ism" is "any of a set of sophistries that inaugurate an era of unprofessional allotheism". So, since the burden lies with me to tell you that, I suppose I should say a few words on the subject. To begin with, if you think that Conservatives knows the "right" way to read Plato, Maimonides, and Machiavelli, then you're suffering from very serious nearsightedness. You're focusing too much on what Conservatives wants you to see and failing to observe many other things of much greater importance, such as that it asserts that I'm too loud to test the assumptions that underlie its diatribes. That assertion is not only untrue, but a conscious lie. Let me sum up. You should think of this post as a clarion call for us to provide an atmosphere of mutual respect, free from barbarism, animalism, and all other forms of prejudice and intolerance