Thank you all for your detailed and thoughtful responses. They were wise and entertaining. And they have given me much to think about.

Neither do I want to give the impression through my last few posts that I am undergoing some kind of existential crisis. I don't feel I'm any different than most people my age, and in many ways, I'm probably in much better shape, financially, emotionally, even health-wise. I'm convinced I'm probably the sanest person I know, which may only be a subjective prejudice shared by no one else, but as far as can tell, it's still the only one that matters to me.

I'm a terrible coward, only because I hate pain, but I can honestly say I have no fear of death. At worst, it sounds like a terrible inconvenience, providing it doesn't hurt, and that is the worse that can happen to me. But I also get the feeling that things are finally starting to come together, that I think I've almost got it all figured out, and that for the first time in my life, the Secret of the Universe is just beyond my grasp.