I want to make clear that I have no children, and that I never wanted any. But if we can comment on government policy, military strategy and world affairs, then we should be able to make observations on child-rearing without the encumbrance of experience. And I am not completely devoid of it, I remember most of my upbringing, and I was seven years old when my brother was born, so I feel I can speak on these matters with some experience, even if not with authority. I think my brother and I both turned out as decent human beings, even though we have completely different personalities. Successful parents are justified in challenging my opinions, but they should be successful parents to do so.

Kids are smart. They can learn a second language in six months, and they don't miss a thing when it comes to their parents' motives and psychology. You're not going to be able to sneak much past them; children are top-of-the-line BS detectors. But kids lack experience, and they lack the judgement that comes from experience. This is why they must be educated and disciplined. Otherwise, their natural programming
to explore and challenge and assert themselves will quickly overwhelm their ability to anticipate problems and their capacity to understand the subtle adjustments we all have to make when dealing with others, particularly with strangers. Here is one issue where I tend to depart from liberal orthodoxy and embrace more conservative values. Kids need discipline.

Kids may be smart, but their ability to reason is still developing. They are not capable of following to their ultimate conclusion the consequences of their actions. They have not developed that intuition that advises caution and reflection before embarking on a new behavior or action, or finding oneself in a new situation. It is up to the parents to instill this habit of introspection and planning. And in the meantime, they have to be kept from letting their natural curiosity and assertiveness get them into trouble, or injury.

When I was a teen-ager, we had a refrigerator with an electrical short-circuit. Every time I grabbed the handle while barefoot, or wearing conductive shoes, I was shocked. I soon learned to touch the handle with the back of of my hand to see if I was grounded before I gripped it hard. The tickle of current on the back of my hand was tolerable, the shock of fully gripping the handle was not. To this day, when my appliances are all up to code, I still have the unconscious habit of tapping the fridge handle with my knuckles to test for ground, even though I haven't been shocked in decades.

Human learning is very effective and durable at the autonomic level, and this is the role of discipline. You can't always explain to a kid why it's wrong to do something, especially if it's some subtle cultural behavior you're trying to inculcate which they can't be expected to understand. However, you can give them the equivalent of the electric shock to get their attention. This is punishment. It associates proscribed behavior with unpleasant consequences and operant conditioning is extremely good at doing this, as Dr. Skinner pointed out.

However, corporal punishment is not to be applied on a piecemeal basis, everytime a kid starts to do something wrong. After all, the child may not realize his action is wrong and punishing him would be unfair, and breed rebellion and resentment. The child should be told gently and lovingly that his action is dangerous, or otherwise unacceptable, and to stop doing it. If he or she insists on doing it again, especially if they try it behind your back, then the child should be stopped firmly and vigorously. You must communicate to them that you are very angry, not because they are say, playing with a fragile family heirloom, but because they are doing so after being told not to. The third time you catch them, it is obvious that they are deliberately challenging your authority and you must also escalate your response or you will lose all control. You punish them, and not by administrative discipline, but by spanking them. It has to hurt, too, the child should understand viscerally that he is not being punished so much for his mischief, as for deliberately ignoring a twice-delivered instruction. Getting into trouble is what kids do, they can't help it and they should not be punished for it. Deliberately disobeying a direct request from parent is learned behavior and unacceptable.

It goes without saying, the punishment should fit the crime, discipline to control mischief is not abuse, kids have an ass which will sting convincingly when strapped but which will not cause any injury. To cause physical injury, draw blood, break bones, bruise severely, or cause damage to internal organs is criminal, and the parent who cannot
control his discipline and limit it to a harmless spanking needs to have his or her kids taken away from them. But the current fashion in child-rearing which forbids any corporal punishment will quickly be exploited by the child as a licence to steal. Operant conditioning works with reward as well as punishment. Bad behavior should never be rewarded.

Corporal punishment must not only be the third level of discipline, but it should also be delivered as soon as possible after the transgression. And remember, you are not punishing the crime, you are punishing the child's deliberate decision to ignore your instruction. Kids will learn quickly that when you tell them something gently, it must be listened to. If they forget or get lazy (as kids are wont to do) you let them know you mean business, but you also give them a last chance to straighten up. They know what the next level is, and they'll usually respond. If they chose to do it anyway, you have no choice but to come down hard.

Cruel, violent? No, I was brought up this way, so was my brother, but spankings were very rare in our house. Of course, the problem is much more difficult than 1-2-3. It has to be modified by age, circumstances, the nature of the mischief, individual personalities, etc. But kids are smart, and if they know you love them, and will take care of them, and be willing to forgive an honest mistake, they will respond. But they must realize that there are limits, not just to actions, but to freedom to act. Sooner or later the child will reach the point when he or she realizes that they are on their own, and cannot simply follow parental instructions any more. When that time comes, both child and parent will realize it, accept it, and continue a loving adult relationship.